Is he a Player?

Players are the bad boys that some women end up with and later wish they had slit their wrists instead.  A player is a man who will go out of his way to make you think he is in love with you and will never say the word.  He will only last as long as it takes to make you fall in love and then he walks away.  This guy is NOT someone who you will change anymore than you will the gay guy.  They are in it for fun because they love women but they don’t know how to be honest.  Their goal in life is to sleep with as many women as they can and get away with it. 

So how do you know if he is a player?

1. Trust your gut instincts.  The minute you meet him, if something seems odd to you about him, don’t second guess your feelings just because he is hot in some unique way.  (They aren’t always the most handsome of men.  Charisma can be charming and can give the allure of sexual appeal).

2. Is he bending over backwards to impress you but something just isn’t clicking? Yes, it is exciting to have someone treat you like a queen but what are his eyes saying?  Is there something shallow about his antics?  Do they seem somewhat rehearsed? It is and it has been done before.

3. Do you have something he might need?  Money? Power? Sexual appeal (model looks)? He will stay a little longer if you can give him something – but he will still never give you love.

4. Have you just dealt with the death of someone? They love to go after women who are extremely vulnerable.

5. Has he ever said “I love you?”  If you’ve had sex and he hasn’t, he won’t.

6. Does he expect more from you than other men you’ve been with? (i.e., expect you to pay for the date or go dutch [to pretend he is a feminist], does he break dates after he has a temper tantrum about something trivial)

7. Does he go out of his way to make himself out to be a good guy if it is obvious he is bad?  (i.e., an addict who has less than a year of sobriety but is showing you proof he is on his way to a successful future – his proof=his words). Another example is telling you bad things he has done in the past and explained it off by blaming someone else rather than taking responsibility.  This shows he hasn’t learned anything from the situation and doesn’t plan to.  It also shows how shallow he really is.

8. You have never met his family, only a few select friends.  You might meet his children, because he doesn’t have any standards in regards to this, but I can almost guarantee you he doesn’t have custody of them (or didn’t have when they were young).

9. He is very arrogant and people really like him, yet you never feel good enough around him.  He makes comments now and then, subtle remarks to criticize you.

10. Sex is about pleasing him.  It is like being with a little boy who just got a new toy.  And that is what you are.

Players can get married and have children, this is usually done when they are young.  Often it will only occur once and there will be a huge amount of drama in relation to it, all of which is her fault.  I know a guy who is a player and he doesn’t believe in safe sex.  He is basically a sex addict and he leaves a trail of children behind, all of which are neglected by him.  The sex with babies player is usually found in the inner city, or uneducated men who have completely lost their way in life.  With these men, sex with babies is seen as being very macho – they win bragging rights around their male friends who are also just as irresponsible as them.

The Player who is a sex with babies guy is so easy to spot – IF he tells you about the babies.  But if you think you are going to be the one to CHANGE him, then you eyes will be wide shut! The other clue though is all the men look up to him even though he hasn’t really accomplished much in life (i.e., no job, addict, living off family members, no education,).  The men like him (and are like him) because he is the head of a gang, drug dealer, pimp, is handsome, has charisma, gets all the ladies.

But not all players are in the inner city nor do they all have children.  Some have accomplished quite a bit in life.  These are musicians/actors, engineers, head of companies, inherited wealth, and they may drive fancy cars and live in nice houses.  Some players steer clear away from babies, as it ruins their image (this is the one you can actually have a little respect for – leave children out of your games!). 

The distinction between player and playboy is very thin.  The playboy is generally very well-known for being one, as he is amongst the wealthy social scene.  Women who go into a “relationship,” with a playboy expecting more are just playing dumb.  It is no different from chasing after an addict and then being surprised that he drinks or does drugs.  Players are not advertising like the Playboy, the Playboy wants it to be known the Player does not.  There is something devilish about wooing a woman into sex without her knowledge that she is just a game.  Getting away with it is just as much of a thrill for them as the criminal who has just fled a bank with lots of money.  The player sex game is a criminal act with no laws against it.  Although if he has been physical, sexual, emotional or financially abusive take him to court.  They are generally more emotionally abusive than anything else.

Except the woman who has been hurt by the player is in shock.  She gets so caught up in the game she completely lets down her guard to the point where she does not even trust herself anymore – she only trusts him.  Women have attempted to hurt themselves over these men and some have succeeded (Sylvia Plath may be one such victim, although it is highly probably she suffered mental health issues on top of this – though this is not unusual for the victim of the player – remember they like vulnerability).  It takes time for the woman who has been duped by a player to get her sense of self back.  When you give your power to another person, you lose you ability to think for yourself.  You are so wrapped up in the man, now that he is not here, you blame yourself, don’t know what to do.  Hopefully your friends have not abandoned you by completely losing all respect.

Be grateful if this was a very short time period.  A few weeks, months, years, you still have the ability to turn yourself around.  The longer the game goes, the more difficult it becomes.  This is because the longer it goes the more you have both convinced yourself it was not a game.  I believe the Arnold and Maria saga are a good example of a long-term situation.  You could also see Charles and Diana as another example.  Both were about power, wealth and prestige, with the illusion that love was part of it.  Also, remember they both started out young.

It’s a depressing article isn’t it?  Now how many of you reading this can give an example of your own history with a Player? What did you do to get through it?  Have you had success with men since then? Please feel free to comment.

Movie Therapy example of a Player: Gaslight (1944) with Charles Boyer and Ingrid Bergman. I think this is the best version of this story.  I actually wish someone would turn it into a modern version, so that women today could relate to it easier.  Now not all players will go to the lengths Charles Boyer’s character did, but if you are a woman with money, be careful.

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