Giving the Milk for Free

Pride and Prejudice (1995 TV series)

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Elizabeth Taylor was known to have said that the only men she ever slept with were men who were her husbands.  You wouldn’t think that though, given the way Hollywood had her portrayed, or the movie parts that she played.

If you read this title and find yourself rolling your eyes, yet you are single and have been for many years, perhaps you might want to continue.

Why is it that we ladies watch Downton Abbey, Pride and Prejudice, Jane Eyre and other period pieces but seem to miss the point that these women were very careful in their selections and always remained chaste until marriage?  I am not writing an article about chastity however, but one of respect for one’s body.

Whether you choose to get married to a long time partner or not is your business but I am concerned about women who go for many years without a long time partner that they can trust. I am also concerned about women who find themselves in relationships over and over again with the wrong guy.  Women who feel that men are just bad, untrustworthy, lustful saps who we need to change and pity.

Perhaps everything wasn’t perfect in the 1800’s, they didn’t even have flush toilets or Kotex!  But they did seem to understand relationships – for the most part and by that I mean their manner in which they made acquaintances.  The way in which we romanticize how relationships were conducted based on how our favorite authors have guided us.

So what can we do today in our modern society that would reflect on the wise thinking of women of yesteryear.  Our own ancestors? Have respect for our body.  Take our time to make choices.  Get to know the partner in question.  Don’t have sex right away!

If you have sex the minute you know you can’t wait to find out what he is like in bed, you can’t blame him for not having any respect for you and ending up with someone else who waited.  1) Yes he had sex too and yes you both wanted it, but is that really what a potential long term partner wants – someone who is easy to get in the sack?  A definition for a marriage partner would probably not have fast and easy sex as the first priority in the marriage. 2) Yes sexual compatibility is important but isn’t it much better when you know the person very well and he has told you that he loves you? 3) Growing old with a partner is most likely not going to include fast and easy sex.

Sex is a great pasttime and it is important to have this chemistry and compatibility.  However, if you are meant to be with this person you are going to find out at some point anyway.  The more a man has to wait for sex, the more interested he will be in you.  The greater the power you have over this person – meaning you are more in charge and in control – rather than footloose and fancy free. The more time you wait to get to know the man, find out what he likes and doesn’t like, the more satisfied you will be in the long run.

I’ve heard women say “But what if I really really like him and then I have sex with him and he is a dud?”  What is more important is what if you gave your body to him and than realized he was having sex with other women?  Or what if you had sex with him and than realized he hated children?  Or hated your pets?  Or hated your best friend?  It is better to find out everything about your partner up front, before sex, to see if you even like them.  To see if it is more than just sex/lust/chemistry? How many times have you met a person’s eyes from across the room and then gone over to speak to them and found that out comes a lot of garbage?  Mr. Sexy suddenly is  Mr. Smooth talking or suddenly is Mr. opposite politics, religion from you or just Mr. Dumbbell.  Some guys are so honest it is pretty obvious that you took a wrong turn at cute and sexy.  Most guys are not.

There are Players who love to woo a woman and make her think she is the queen of the world and two months later (or less) you are the most worthless person on Earth. There are Playboys who have lots of cash thanks to mom and pop and are looking for fun, gambling, booze, and paparazzi’s to snap their every move. There are Mr. Non-committal who has been there and done that and won’t be doing it anytime soon.  There are Mr. Looking for a Wife but wouldn’t find her if she hit him on the head with a hammer.  There are also Mr. User who doesn’t drink/use that much, only during the week so he can deal with work at the end of the day.

There are so many titles we could give a man and there are so many of us women who could say – But I think I can change him.  If only he loved me more.  Even Elaine, the character on Seinfeld, thought she would make a gay man straight – which spoke to all of us change agents and naturally she did not switch him in the end. People don’t change because of a partner.  Only we can change ourselves.

Young women – do you really need to have sex with lots of men to find out what sex is all about?  Do you really need to go through the practice of getting knocked up with a man you don’t love? Sex with a man you love is much better than one you don’t love.  Sex with a man you love, who loves and respects you – the two of you will explore what sex is all about.  Sex with lots of men is a hassle, a headache and sometimes you end up really really wishing you hadn’t.

If you want to get the man that you want, you have to take the road to commitment seriously, just as Jane and Mary and Elizabeth did.  The only difference is that you will be doing this modern style.  It won’t take you several years of waiting as it did with these ladies because we do have the convenience of telephone, email, dating without chaperones, cars and the like. Most men don’t need to go out of town by horse for weeks on end to conduct business either.  So here is my bit of coaching on how to conduct yourself on a date (s).

1. Girl meets Guy and you decide to go on a date.  For pity’s sake please don’t have sex with a guy before you have even gone on a date.  One night stands will get you no where except a date with your doctor to test for sexually transmitted diseases (or to pee in a cup and see if the rabbit dies). Go on a date first!

2. Date – Spend time getting to know the guy.  Do not answer sex questions or begin flirting in a very sexual manner.  If you do, you will end up in bed and we are back at Step 1.  You are not selling sex you are selling your intellect.  Are you an intelligent woman or a whore?  Think about it.  This is the realistic picture here. If a guy wants to talk about sex on a first date or even a second, you really have to wonder about his character.  If he forces the topic, you are looking at an abusive partner. Go home and change your number if you have to!

3. No timelines for sex other than love – Don’t listen to all this crap in magazines that tell you to wait 3 months or 10 dates or whatever.  When you and the guy have really taken the time to get to know each other, meet the family, seen each others living conditions (very important), and he looks you in the eye and says “I love you.”  Than it is time to take it to the next step.  So if a guy is reading this and tells you he loves you on the first date – Yikes!  He’s playing you.  Of course if you have known each other your whole life and finally he has gotten around to telling you this, okay there are exceptions to the rule.  Most likely though, this is just a date that you are on and you just met him.


Why family – do you really want to be in a relationship with a man who comes from a family that do not share your values? “Oh he is much different”  How different is he? Find out. Does his father have respect for his mother?  Was he raised with two parents?  Was he raised with grandparents?  What do they let him get away with? How is he treated in their home? Is mom very very close?  Is dad very very close?  Anything that makes your hair stand up on the back of your neck – you really have to wonder and think about.

Why living conditions – do you want to be in a long term relationship with a man who is a pig?  Who hasn’t unpacked since he moved in 10 months ago?  Who is still working on remodeling his home after 5 years?  These are all signs of a man who isn’t responsible, isn’t ready to commit and most definitely isn’t ready for you.  Does he have Playboy type pictures all over his house? Is it decorated in beer bottles and confetti?  Any signs that he is still a little boy not ready to grow up and this is a boy that still needs a mommy and doesn’t need a woman who is mature and intelligent.  Is it worth it to have sex with a man like this just to see what he is like in bed?

Body Language:

If you really want to know what a guy is like in bed, you only need to read his body language.

Is he enjoying the fact that you wait for a long time to have sex?  He is probably resistant to intimacy. Maybe he has sexual inadequacies that he is hoping to avoid you finding out. Normally a guy will ask for sex or make seductive gestures in hopes of getting you faster than you wish to wait. But wait anyway! If he can get away with getting you into bed faster, he will get away with other things too.

Is he a rigid person, very stiff, very careful with how he spends his money?  He will be the type that wants a clean break.  In and out and its over with.

Is he looking at everyone else while talking to you (does he talk or text on his cell phone while on a date)? You mean absolutely nothing to him and he has no respect for women at all. You are definitely not going to change him.

Is he spending time talking about other women he has gone out with on a first date?  He is probably not finished with her or them and will continue to think about them in your relationship, if not hook up with them at some point.  “We just needed to talk about some things.” Yeah, this usually ends up in bed or some form of intimacy.

A man who is ready to go out with another woman will be just as respectful to you as you are to him.  If you are setting boundaries from day one “I am interested in a long term relationship” and you are consistent with this value – rather than having sex with him that same night that you said that, he will respect you.  Setting a boundary and then ignoring it does not speak well for someone about their values.  Yes there are double standards but would you want to be in a long term relationship with a man who beds you before getting to know you?  Women speak loud and clear about how they want to be treated equal.  Does this mean jumping into bed with men to show them we are just like them? Or does it mean that we are wise and powerful creatures that know how to demand respect when we walk in a room and have men treat us like the ladies that we are?  Marriage is about love, commitment, sex, values, loyalty and friendship.  There are many words in that sentence that do not take second place to sex. If all you have is sex, than that is all you will ever have and that my dear one will be a short-lived, fun-filled, fantasy that leads no where but to sadness and depression.

Love is a feeling that comes when two people meet and begin to realize that the other person is a part of them. When you realize that this person is someone you want to share your life with. When you begin to get this feeling that you don’t ever want to have a life that is without them in it. It has to be a two-way street or it is not love. This feeling does not happen in one day. It is not something that happens honestly when you jump in bed with them either.   Don’t give the milk away for free.  Make them pay for it.  Make them woo you for it.  Make them want it so much that they can’t live their life without you.  Get what you want in life.  Be wise about what it is that you want.

4 thoughts on “Giving the Milk for Free

  1. Very insightful- it has to be a two way street when it comes to love, respect and integrity.
    I’ve been trying to date after age 40 (due to divorce) and I find these essential factors to consider just as important for me now as for my daughters who are in their early twenties.

  2. So true. I can’t believe my husband of forty-six years and I resisted total sex (there are lots of ways to be sexual without going all the way) for a year after falling in love. It was difficult but we were definitely certain our love would last by the time we slept together.

    • What a wonderful story and testimony to this blog post. Sounds like you have had a good long marriage and a happy life!

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