Everyone is reading “50 Shades of Grey” right now as if the topic of S&M had just been invented. Suddenly I am hearing about it all the time, from everyone, in and out of the office. Having immersed myself in Paulo Coehlo, “Eleven Minutes” and Anaïs Nin, both of whom have written about this topic long ago, I fear people are getting the wrong message.
This isn’t a way to romanticism or true love, it is an exploration. One that goes down a very dark road.
Partners who are into Sadism & Masochism follow rules and have strict boundaries. It is a two-way street, not one sided. Any type of sexual exploration should be mutual, if it is not this should not be on the agenda. It will only come to harm in your relationship. Wanting or not wanting this behavior has nothing to do with love. If your partner does not want it, it is all about you and this is something you need to look into with a therapist, not in a one night stand. If you give up a partner because they do not wish to engage in something they are uncomfortable with, this is not their fault. Remember movies like 9 1/2 weeks? It is meant to last for nine and a half weeks. S&M doesn’t make a relationship. It just brings out inner psychological wounds.
Do you really need to go to the level of master and slave though?
There are ways to be kinky in the bedroom, on days when you feel a little more friskier than normal. Spanking doesn’t need to involve whips and chains, collars and other such sorts of implications of torture. If it is done in a spontaneous moment of passion there is a means to an end. It does not need to become a lifestyle that you should out yourself on in public.
What concerns me are adults with abusive backgrounds who are uncovering a need to be in control of the pain. I have worked with child sex workers, earlier victims of sexual abuse – who continue to be sexually abused as prostitutes. They believe they are now calling the shots. They know they are being sexually abused but feel that if they can decide which john they do it with, somehow this makes it better. It doesn’t.
If you continue to allow yourself to be abused, when you haven’t healed from the trauma of youth (or a domestic violent partner) you are not really having fun. Instead a pattern of self-mutilation is at hand. If you are engaging in the dark side and find yourself still needing to numb the pain with alcohol and drugs, this is not role play.
The only time you are in control of your life is when you have worked through the trauma of the past and put it behind you. Its not forgotten but there is a memory that no longer runs your life. There is nothing wrong with fantasies being acted out through role play for mentally healthy people who want to unleash their creative energies. Doing it because you crave it, because it overwhelms you, because you feel as if you will go mad if you keep this fantasy locked up inside of you, is a cry for help.
Freud said that sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. The novel is just a novel. It is not about you.
- Fifty Shades of Grey (jesscscott.wordpress.com)
- Fifty shades of fuck you I’m a modern woman (hispurpleorchid.wordpress.com)
- Role-Playing and More Sex Games (everydayhealth.com)