On the heels of my previous article “Exploring S&M,” I wanted to write a different approach to this by looking at the partner (often men) who are having sex with themselves. This is the partner who is focused on their erection, their orgasm, how often they have sex, complaining to you when you aren’t up to speed, aren’t good enough, don’t want it enough, the partner who is not focused on you but on them.
Side note: Older couples are dealing with erectile dysfunction and there are couples who for one reason or another are no longer interested in sex due to medications they are on or the aging process. I am not talking about this group of partners.
The perpetrator of this: sex is all about them, is a person that generally goes after victims. They tend to prey on a partner who has been hurt in some way and is already uncomfortable with their body and their sexuality. This perpetrator is also a victim but takes on the role of dominatrix as a coping skill. While both are victims, this is not a healing session. You are never going to be good enough for him – no matter how much you change in the bedroom. Instead, the victim is continuing to be traumatized, losing even more respect for themselves. The perpetrator continues to have the feeling that women are a waste of time and unable to fulfill their needs emotionally. This is because they use sex as a tool for emotional gratification. The victim is doing the same thing. Neither is enjoying life.
The Sadist who is having sex with himself, is just using you as a body. You are no different than any other body. And when you are having sex with this person, it makes you a masochist. No one is enjoying the pain. This is not role play either because you are not getting your needs met. You are not wanting this.
It is so painful to hear a woman talking about her sex life and helping her to see the reality of what is happening here. Often they believe this is the best they can do. Some are smart enough, over time with help toward self-realization. Others stay in this pattern forever, or until he finally leaves them for another woman. Sometimes he doesn’t need to leave though as he can have his cake and eat it too. This is sexual abuse. And it is a case of why does this man even stay if his needs aren’t fulfilled by the partner. And it is the case of why does the woman stay. It is about self-loathing.
We all deserve to be loved, both men and women. A man is not the road to your happiness as this feeling comes from within. You have to love yourself first before you can understand how to love another. You cannot change a person either. The way they are now is the way they are going to be forever – marriage does not make them love you more or turn them into the perfect mate.
The problem though is how do you love yourself, when you don’t feel worthy of love? This is a journey that takes some time and with the right professional, you will get to this place. Staying in non-consenting sadomasochist relationships is not the way to go. You will only end up hating yourself more. You can’t change them but you can change you. Today is as good a day as any to start the rest of your life.
- Erectile Dysfunction and Your Emotional Health (everydayhealth.com)