Guys who are quick and fast make an art out of seducing women. As many as they possibly can in a short period of time. They enjoy their craft and put a lot of time and effort into researching exactly what you want to hear. Over time they get better and better and better at slipping through your fingers. There is even a Pimp Bible that teaches guys how to work a vulnerable woman and set up a successful business. You can buy it on Amazon. I am trying to teach you how to NOT be bought and discarded OR worse sold!
There is no greater cautionary tale than the one where you try to explain to a young (sometimes older) woman that pregnancy will not lead to a long-term relationship. Sadly, I have found myself being on the other end of this conversation after the fact, not prior with my clients. Why would someone want to come and see me when they think they are in a good relationship? When they believe they have everything under control in their life?
I did some work with the fatherhood project several years ago. The studies showed that a young man will often stay up until the baby is born and then generally begins to run sometime shortly after this. It is so much easier for a man to run out on responsibility. You the woman are left holding the child, it is impossible to run out on an infant in your arms that is completely dependent on you for everything (although on rare occasions some women have done this or had to do this). What is also true, from statistics, is that the rate of domestic violence, that sometimes includes homicide, is much greater during pregnancy.
Knowing all of this is great for an intellectual who has gained a lot of experience over the years. But for a young girl or an older woman who is still not sure of herself, these statistics mean nothing when they meet the guy who makes them believe he is going to stick around.
Red flags that he is a flight risk.
1. Using drugs or alcohol quite a bit – you aren’t going to stop him from doing this and neither is a baby. In fact the baby will make the situation much worse because it will heighten his stress load.
2. Quick Talk Man – the type of guy who doesn’t hold normal conversations. He uses quick short sentences, slang words accented with clicks of the teeth. If the majority of the words a man uses are slang, question this no matter where you come from.
3. Non-dates – if all the time you get together for a “date” you are really at someone’s house, going to parties, just hangin’, seem to be at your house all the time, this is not a responsible or a very serious person. The non-dates mean non-committal, carefree, someone to waste time with.
4. Flashy Man – spends lots of money quickly. You’ve known him how long? Two days and he is inviting you to a trip to New Orleans. This is not a long-term committal guy. Too quick, too soon, too fast is a trip down your pants and back out again. He is a runner because he is fast and he is fast for a reason. He has to dodge every obstacle in his path and you are just one more easy come, easy go. Don’t get caught up in the attention.
5. Tall Tales – you are the one honey, you are different, I never met a girl like you, I think I’m goin’ to keep you, I could see us having babies together, you are good. If you have heard any of these lines spoken this way or along these lines, so have many other women and by his same beautiful lips. This is all designed to get your clothes off because he knows this is what you want to hear.
6. Married Man – he might leave his wife to take care of your kid but is this love? If he already has kids with his wife, why would he leave her and the family who he has become settled with to start anew? Why are you any different? There have been situations where a man has left his wife for a woman who is pregnant but it generally does not last. Think Donald Trump and Marla Maples. The woman he is with now and raising a family with is someone he was with for quite some time before marrying her. He did not leave a wife for her.
7. Misogynist Man – He doesn’t respect other women, he won’t respect you either and certainly won’t respect the fact that you are carrying his child. Think about the guy who talks nasty about past girlfriends (blames everything on the woman), doesn’t like his mother or has no relationship with her, takes advantage of mother/aunts/grandma (lives off of them), uses slang terms toward women or dirty words (there is a difference if this is all you ever hear in the bedroom vs. playing around now and then), with regard to you and sex.
8. Flirty Man – Out with you but still ogling other ladies in the room. With you but going over to another woman to chat her up. Hanging out the car window making comments to women that he drives by. Yep, he is sleeping with someone else and it will soon be them. Don’t believe it when he says he is just being friendly. Pulllease!
By the way, a man only needs to fit ONE of the categories above to be a bad person to spend time with. He only needs to say one thing in those categories to be concerned. Don’t try to weed him out by crossing one of the these items off your list. You are not having chemistry with this man, you just want to have sex with him because he is the man you shouldn’t be with and yeah, he is probably really good too. It is an art for him, remember!?! Just remember how many other women have been here already and the numbers will keep adding up after you. With him you are not special, you are just a game.
This all may seem very crass and very harsh to hear. It is better to hear the harsh reality now than to find yourself several weeks/months pregnant and all alone. I know how low you have to feel as a woman to get to a place where you actually feel attracted to a man like this. When you feel as if the words he is saying seem true and that he is only saying it to you. When you need it so desperately that you are willing to take what you get. When you want to have a child so much that you kid yourself into believing he is the one.
If this man is the right man for you then he will take the time to get to know you, before having sex. You will find out together that you share common interests, values, ethics, and he (the two of you) will want to take the time to build a relationship with you. Building a family is something that is an investment in a future. It is not a Ponzi scheme where you get rich quick. Having a child is something that should happen after you have had some years together as a couple and have decided to get married and commit yourselves spiritually.
As a woman, we have come too far with Planned Parenthood and birth control to kid ourselves and anyone else into hearing “It was an accident.” In 1960 it was an accident. In 2012, it is foolishness, irresponsibility, immaturity and “I wanted to get pregnant by this man because I thought he would stay with me.” Not going to happen. It is time for us to grow up as women and begin to become the strong, independent, feminist, wise women that we are capable of being AND that we have struggled so hard to become in this last century.
It is time for men to grow up and become a man. A man who would not dare to abandon a woman and a child. But before he even gets here, a real man would make sure to use a condom and have more respect for himself.
The bottom line is casual sex = safe sex and leave the babies out of it. If you are not responsible in bed, you won’t make a responsible parent.