Being Single is not a Disease

Many women and sometimes even men, fret over not being in a relationship. More often than not, it is women who are in their 20’s and 30’s and are worried about time clocks and societies view of them. Women have always been scorned if they were not married. At one point 30 was the sell-by-date.

Yet marriages continue to be forced, coerced, expected, demanded and fantasized about. None of these are reasons to get married. All of them are the very reasons couples end up unhappy and in counseling and/or divorce court. There is nothing wrong with being single. In this modern time period women can have whatever they want. We can get a degree and have a career. We can open a business and make money.  Women can buy the nice cars, live in beautiful homes, and some even have babies on their own (though I don’t recommend the latter).

Katherine Hepburn once remarked (in an interview I saw) that she believed a woman Katherine Hepburnshould be there for her husband 100% and this meant having to give up their career. She did not want to do this which is why she remained single (though she did have one divorce early on). She had one of the most memorable love affairs ever and it is safe to safe she was a very happy woman.

Women sell themselves short when they go after a man. I’ve known intelligent women who go out with men that are intellectually inferior just for the sake of not being alone. What do you talk about after sex? What do you share in common? I’ve known beautiful women who could have any man they wanted but because they have no confidence in themselves, stay with a man who takes advantage of them.

On the flip side, men do the same. Living in Los Angeles and Santa Barbara I saw the trophy wives. Women who married for money but were dumber than a doorbell. What kind of men are willing to marry women who are unintelligent, just because they could be a model? Men who are shallow and don’t mind taking the risk that one day their wife will be collecting an alimony payment that will force him to have to live a different life than he is accustomed to. Their wife will show up on one of these ridiculous reality shows and tell the world about their sex life and any other dirt they want to drudge up to make this famous man look like an idiot.

It’s okay to be single. It’s okay to be married, if you are in it for love and have taken the time to really get to  know the person. It’s okay to live your life as you wish as long as you really are happy and are conscious about your choices. Love, by the way, doesn’t mean “I love him but I really need to see him change.” It doesn’t mean “I love him because he is really trying.” Love is unconditional and love is love for who he/she is, not what we want them to be. It is a hard thing to have unconditional love. Very few people do.

It is not hard to be single, it is hard to allow yourself the choice to be single. Being single is not a disease. Sometimes it is what you choose to do because you don’t wish to compromise and end up in a horrible relationship. It is a choice you sometimes have to choose in order to get to know yourself and determine whether or not you are making wise decisions about partners. It is a choice you have to make if you get a rejection until you realize it was a blessing in disguise. It is a choice you have to make during holidays, nights when you are feeling rather erotic and would rather just go to a bar and pick up the nearest handsome guy available and when you are feeling sad and alone.

Being single doesn’t mean it will be forever. Being married doesn’t mean it will be forever. Nothing is forever because you just don’t know what will come your way and change the path you are on. What is forever is you and how you look at yourself when you look in the mirror. You owe it to yourself to take care of yourself. My favorite quote about individualism is from the Torah and it says “If I am not for myself, who will be for me? But if I am only for myself, who am I? If not now, when?” When I studied world religions I found this to be the most fascinating line to contemplate about self.

Work hard on finding happiness within. This does not mean you have to leave a partner and go out in the woods to find yourself. It might mean you have to leave a partner, if they want you to stay the way your are – unhappy and unsatisfied. It does mean that you might need to stay single a little while longer until you are able to make good choices and set boundaries that work for the partnership (both people agree on). It means that if the partner you are with (or hoping to attract) is sending all the wrong messages, you have to let it go and realize that yes, you are still single. It is okay to be alone.

Here is some food for thought from a study that has been quoted for quite some time. Women who are unmarried live longer than women who are married. Men who are unmarried live shorter lives than men who are married. Of course death should not be your reason for staying single, or getting married but contemplation should be.


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