Sexual Energy and the Affair

Sexual energy has a power that only those who practice the ancient ways really understand. This vibration has a strong hold over people and unless you are in touch with it, you can be run by it and not realize why you are trapped emotionally.

I once went to an ancient ritual site in England called Avebury. This place is twice the size of Stonehenge (only an hour away) and it even has a village inside the belly of it. I felt a strong erotic pull the minute I got out and began to walk near this very large tree. I continued walking near some of the stones and saw a young couple on the ground gnawing at each other so desperately I was concerned they wouldn’t be able to let go. In a way it was humorous to me, as it confirmed my suspicions that there was something to this place.

When I returned from England, I purchased a book on this area. I found that fertility rituals, marriage vows, and other types of majick involving the male and female took place here. Even though this beautiful landmark has not been used for this purpose – to my knowledge – since the time of Stonehenge rituals, the energy continues to exist in that space.

I wrote a few days ago about Spiritual  Love as well. I mentioned the Kama Sutra which is about utilizing sexual energy to attain nirvana. The vibration you get between your two hands when you rub them together is one thing. Between two human beings who are interlocked in a passionate embrace is something quite different. When sex goes sour between a couple, the energy wanes and this is why the relationship becomes distraught. The relationship has run out of gas.

I bring this up to discuss the power of sexual energy and infidelity. Many times I talk with women (and sometimes men – I see more women than men in my practice and this is not unusual for therapy), who have been unfaithful to their partners. Some women understand the nature of infidelity and know how to manage this energy. Some do not. When I see a person who is hanging on to the energy – because they don’t understand it, I try to help them through it. However, it is like working with a victim of abuse. Sometimes you can be so caught up in the web and be filled with so much hope and fantasy that things will change, that you are unable to see the reality of the situation. This can be damaging to a person. In the end, once they are faced with the truth, they will then feel so much pain.

If an unfaithful partnership has been found out, but not ended, closure needs to happen in order to get on with your life. How can this happen when you are being forced to do this rather than making the decision on your own? It is a tough place to be in. Especially if you believe you are in love. Actually it is not crazy to assume you are in love it is the reality of that love that can be mind bending. A relationship that begins in a space of dishonesty is building up a lot of bad karma for one thing. It is also unifying two people together in a sexual energy that is extremely erotic and hedonistic. The longer it goes, the more power it has if both people are continuing to be attracted to the other. The more the couple feeds into it (after being caught) the more damaging this power will become to their lives.

Power can be used for good or bad. An unfaithful partnership can become narcissistic and the two can be so sucked up in the infidelity vortex that they only see themselves and no one else. Or, if you are conscious of this energy, you can look at things from a mature perspective and separate – sometimes even separate from the marital spouse – to breathe again on your own until you have brought some balance back into your life. It is hard to stay with the marital spouse because there is unbalanced, disloyal energy present in this abode. Once you (the unfaithful one) have re-gained your own individual power, than you can make a decision as to which direction you will go in next.

With sex that is temporary, a short-term bout with an affair, you will still feel the pull of this energy. If the partnership was not something you enjoyed, it won’t be so bad. But if there was an intense erotic connection – even for a short time, there is a powerful energy that has occurred and it might take some time to pull back from. I have worked with women in this situation and helped them understand this emotional stress they are going through. It is also important to know that the longer they stay, the more of a vibration they are going to create. Is it worth ending your marriage over? This is when you have to weigh the options and look at the relationship for what it is. A wake-up call that your marriage is in dis-repair and it is time for couples counseling. If you are ready to end it, that is one thing, if you are unsure this is another.

Don’t ever leave a partner because of another person. By doing so, you are starting that relationship – if it is even agreed upon by that other person (the lover) – with some bad energy. It is begun from a place of pain. Similar to the rebound situation of going out with a person after breaking up with someone. Until you have healed from one partnership, you can’t expect to start another. Until you have learned why your marriage/partnership led to discord, infidelity, you will make the same mistakes in the next one. Partnerships are lessons, not just companionship, security and sex. Once you take an unfaithful relationship into a committed, open partnership – where you are now living together, the sex loses the passion and the sexual excitement. It is no longer taboo. Now it is just typical day-to-day routine. While you may think you want this, until the honeymoon stage is over – approximately six months, most likely sooner for infidelity now open relationship, it is not likely to last when reality sinks in.

This is why all relationships, when they begin (and continue), need to have communication that is open and honest. Infidelity begins with sex, with women it begins with the conversation that seduces them into the bedroom. The conversation where they believe the man is being their therapist and empathizing with their marital concerns. Men are physical and rarely give a crap about what you are dealing with in your marriage. When they want to pull your pants down and have been dying for this moment, they will pretend to listen but do so only because they know this will get you to undress in the end. Women assume that this person now cares about them and this is where the trap begins. People who share deep intimate details feel a bond with the person who is listening. After they have gotten naked and built up the vibration sexually, the web of this energy pulls you into another dimension. Think before you screw. What are you capable of handling emotionally? Even if you choose this and then realize you have got to pull back and re-think this – you are in emotionally whether you want to be or not. It takes a very strong person to get through this. Most men can let it go and detach themselves very easily. Women, most of us are connected to our emotions – our intuitive thoughts – whether we realize or not and so sex is rarely just a one night stand. No matter what you tell yourself.

This is all quite a bit to take in and is not easily understood, or explained for that matter, in a blog article. It is difficult for me to even touch on this in a fifty minute session. There are lots of books out there on sexuality and I request that you investigate this even more if you are at all grasping what I am saying here. Knowledge is power and containing this power, knowing how to use it in a good way – is a very decent and conscious way to be a human being on this planet. Otherwise, you are building up a lot of negative karma that will destroy your life but also can have an effect on your children as well. Perhaps another blog article to consider.

Have sex consciously and when you don’t, heed the realities of what is there. Learn from what happened, what you experienced and then move forward in your life.

6 thoughts on “Sexual Energy and the Affair

  1. What are your thoughts regarding midlife or a point in a man or woman’s life when they often become to come into their opposite gender qualities ex. men becoming more emotional.
    From my experience men in midlife crisis affairs feel this high level energy. You have described what I see in affairs in general–working with midlife crisis–and not just affairs where the betraying spouse is the female.

    • Most of the people I speak to are women and they are in their 30’s-40’s. I have dealt with a little younger a couple of times. I have spoken with men who have had affairs and they were in the midlife crisis range. But can you say a little more about what you have seen? Your website focuses more on the midlife crisis aspect. I’d like to hear more of your thoughts.

      • I can speak a lot regarding what I have seen—though it is from the view of the betrayed spouse and not the MLC-betraying partner. In addition, I’m not a trained therapist—no background in psychology whatsoever.

        MLCers tend to affair down and I wonder if the alienators (affair partners) have a greater tendency toward having personality disorders and if this is also a greater tendency for non-MLC affairs as well. OR it could be that the high energy and in-fatuation of an affair may bring out personality disorder traits which are common to most of us in negative coping times. Going along with the affair down is Emotional Blackmail. This seems to work in tandem with the in-fatuation—soul mate affair—or takes over for in-fatuation to keep the betraying spouse caught.
        For example, a BPD alienator will attach quickly, becoming immediately possessive. In my husband’s affair this enabled the in-fatuation. She praised him and desired him and he felt special. He told me that her quick attachment was both scary and flattering. Someone more stable—not in MLC—would likely not be attracted to the alienator who was desperate and needy for attention and quickly became manipulative and controlling. Most men would have run screaming when she faked a pregnancy to get him back after they had only been together as a couple for 3 months or a few months later when she told him she had something wrong with her brain and she would not fix it and would die in a few months if he did not come back to her. But these preyed on his guilt and need to rescue and were part of the in-fatuation drama that fed the energy of the affair. It was exciting even while he felt ashamed and guilty.
        MLCers are looking for a soul mate relationship; for some such an affair may trigger or tip them into MLC and for others they leave their spouse (physically or emotionally) with the explicit intention of finding a soul mate.
        My husband was clear with me that he thought she was his soul mate—before the he had moved out and before the affair became physical and from his behavior the in-fatuation was evident.
        I know that in general a wife’s affair is because she feels in-love and a deep connection and that to many women being in-love is the only justification for infidelity. It does not seem quite so clear as that even with MLC men. It’s an emotionally-bonded type of affair, but I think there are a lot of additional factors that enable the bond—such as the Emotional Blackmail. It is also not unusual for the MLCers to acknowledge that the relationship with the alienator will not last—even while trying to make it last.

        I have a survey for LBSs to take and answer questions about their MLCers. It’s a small sample, but here is some of the data—the differences between men and women are interesting.
        Survey Total: 146
        Male MLCers: 110
        Female MLCers: 36

        Average MLCer Age at Bomb Drop: 45.8
        Men: 46.7
        Women: 43.3
        (with such a small sample this fluctuates quite a bit, only recently the average age for women was 45.9)

        Years Married at Bomb Drop: 18.3
        Men: 18.7
        Women: 16.8

        Sexual Infidelity Known or Suspected: 76.7%
        Men: 82.7%
        Women: 58.3%

        Sexual Infidelity Known or Suspected: 76.7%
        Men: 82.7%
        Women: 58.3%

        Steady Emotionally-Bonded Physical Affair: 55.5%
        Men: 62.7%
        Women: 33.3%

        Dated in search of an emotionally-bonded (physical) affair: 8.9%
        Men: 10.0%
        Women: 5.6%

        Flings: 4.8%
        Men: 3.6%
        Women: 8.3%

        Infidelity Suspected: 7.5%
        Men: 6.4%
        Women: 11.1%

        Uncertain: 1.4%
        Men: 1.8%
        Women: 0.0%

        Emotional Affair: 14.4%
        Men: 10.9%
        Women: 25.0%

        Fantasy Alienator: 2.1%
        Men: 0.9%
        Women: 5.6%

        No Infidelity: 5.5%
        Men: 3.6%
        Women: 11.1%

        I don’t know if this information is helpful or not—just ask. But in the last few minutes I just got a call for foster placement and am about to rush off to pick up some kiddos—our first ever placement. So I may not respond as quickly as I should.

      • Wow! I am very sorry you had to go through all of this. It is hard for me to digest all of it and I am sure I would not do you justice by trying to form an opinion. There are so many factors that you presented here. I hope that you have someone to talk to through this and that eventually you are able to heal from this pain. Take as long as you need to grieve this person and it sounds like you have learned quite a bit from it. My best to you and your family.

  2. Oh my goodness; I think you may be misunderstanding; my husband’s MLC was from 2005 to 2008–it is in our past. I was a trained writer before his MLC and so writing about it was natural. I now coach other Left Behind Spouse’s who are Standing for their marriage; my husband’s MLC changed my career path and I love what I am doing–it is a calling. I just had an intro article come out at Generation Fabulous:…and my website is filled with articles.

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