Equality in Relationships

The one thing I hear so often from men and women is that they want to find a partner they can be on equal terms with. Since I am a psychotherapist, I hear this from people in rotten relationships. So how in the world does this happen and what does this mean?

Firstly, this can mean different things for each person. Maybe you want someone who is your intellectual equal. Or you need someone who will share responsibilities. Some people might just mean in the bedroom. It is easy to say this but saying it doesn’t mean squat. Saying it enough times equals whining.

1. Write it down on paper. Breathe some energy into this person by visualizing what they would be like. Talk is cheap, you have to know exactly what you really have in your mind. Writing it down will force you to think about it.

2. More than just words. “I want a Christian.” How many times have I heard this? Then I will say “Well what if he is an alcoholic who considers himself a Christian? or What if he is a pedophile who considers himself a Christian?” There are plenty of “born agains” in prison too. Of course they say “No Way!” That is why I give people a handout with three columns: “What I want,” “What I won’t accept,” and in the middle “What I am okay with,” (wiggle room). Again it is about visualizing what this person will be like minus the Cinderella, Snow White fantasy.

3. Be Patient. Some people I know have been dating, relating, cohabitating, and have even been married for years and still haven’t met the right one. Meanwhile I hear the phrase “Sometimes I stick with them longer than I should have.” If they aren’t the right one, don’t try to make it work, recognize the mistake and then take the time to learn from it before moving on.

4. If you are still bitching about someone, you haven’t learned anything. And, if you are putting this kind of energy into it, you need a wake up call.

Example: I know a woman who was married to a batterer. She naturally harbored resentment toward him for years. However, because of him, she was afraid to be with others, afraid of marriage and constantly met men who proved her right. They weren’t batterers but they were never the right one. She was finally able to understand who she was being at the time of meeting him. She saw her own behaviors, immaturity, vulnerability, etc… By seeing this she was enlightened to a new way of relating to people. She saw that had she been more conscious of the world around her, more awake, she could see red flags when they came up.

5. If you don’t meet your timelines, don’t compromise. We are all on a path in our voyage here on Earth. But now we are in a society that if you can’t make it happen you can fake it. Plastic surgery, babies in a test tube, surrogates and who needs a daddy for the baby? Some women get pregnant and don’t even let him know. Lets try this on for size. Maybe you aren’t meant to bring a child in to this world. Maybe you weren’t meant to raise one. Maybe you aren’t meant to meet the right one. Maybe you won’t win the lottery. Instead of fighting it, go with it. Allow your destiny to unfold. Let spirit move you and see where it takes you. Compromise just means psychotherapy once you get bored with enabling the person. This means kids left without a parent and they are going to be very sad. Often it means an ugly divorce.

When we don’t get what we want, we get depressed.  This happens because we don’t feel loved and are afraid to be alone throughout our lifetime. If you want to meet your equal, you have to be on top of your own game. If not, you will attract someone equally vulnerable. If you are happy, self-content, successful, you will meet your equal. The equal you are imagining you want to meet. He or she is out there waiting for you, because they are having the same problems finding you. Both of you need to read this article and clean up your life. This way Cupid will feel that you two are finally ready to meetup; where ever fate has in store for you. Don’t look around the corner either. When you least expect it…and when you are ready…they will come.

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