Ladies, you are smart, independent, beautiful, modern thinkers. Get what you want first and then consider bringing a man into your life (or woman if this is your choice). If women expect more out of men, by respecting themselves more, men will be forced to go back to behaving like gentlemen. Wouldn’t you like to see them pull up their pants, take that hood/cap off their head, brush their hair, shave their face, brush their teeth and over all, be responsible? After all, romantic movies continue to be all the rage and the men in these films are not dressed like the aforementioned. If you want to get a man, you have to behave like a woman and if you want an equal then you have to look at your own life. If you are a single parent (or single woman) with no education, no direction in life, you are going to attract the same type of person, not a prince but a pauper. This is why you have to get out there and make the life you want now before you decide who you will share your life with, who will help you raise your child (if you have one) and who will respect you for who you are.
Ladies, you make life too easy for men. If you are too quick to be on your back, are not using birth control and then expecting the man to marry you and help raise that child you have both just created, this makes no sense. Why should a man work hard for something you are handing right over to him? I am a Pro-Choice woman myself but I am still perplexed that more and more women are doing the “Oops I got pregnant,” when you chose not to use birth control. Imagining that a man will stay for a baby is an old wives’ tale. Forcing him to marry you isn’t love. Of course, it is just as much the guys fault for sleeping with someone who is not using birth control. Often I see men who act as if they knew nothing about it. Don’t go to bed on a whim without using birth control. It is not fair to these children. Don’t confuse sex for love. Sex is lust. Love is a process of getting to know someone and building a foundation based on respect and then trust.
Years ago, I watched either Eddy Murphy or Chris Rock in a stand up performance on TV talking about women and orgasms. They were known for being pretty crude and honest about being a man. There was a whole skit about women’s orgasms and the bottom line was that once a woman cums, she is yours, you have her and you can pretty much sit back and enjoy the ride from here on in. This is an extremely intimate moment that causes some women to feel that they have finally connected in such a raw way and believe that he is theirs. No one can make them feel like this and they want it even more. Hence our mind conjures up the scene played out in many cartoon strips where the man is smoking a cigarette and the woman wants to talk.
If you expect more from a man, you will get more. If you give him everything you got, body and soul, then you have nothing left. The same with getting married. If you marry him without setting some boundaries and asking for what you want, he will assume you took him as is. No one changes because they get married. They just get worse because of all the assumptions and lack of communication. Couples counseling is often people coming in hoping I am going to change the other person. I don’t do this because I know it is impossible and I tell people this. I work on their communication skills and often, it is at this point of listening that people begin to realize whether they want to remain in this relationship or not.
If you have it to do all over again, here is a better way to do this.
First, take some time to re-think what it is that you want from life. What do you want from a life partner? I hear many people of faith say “I just want a good [insert religion] guy.” Then I tell them, “So if he is an alcoholic and a Christian is this okay?” No, of course not they say. This is what I mean by thinking what you want in life. Many people stick with “He is a good [insert religion] man and goes to the [religious place of worship], so he must be a good man.” One thing does not mean the other. Lots of “Good” religious teachers,” end up doing bad things. Things we have read about online, saw on TV but mostly, I think about what people have told me in session about how they have begun to question their spirituality due to some minister or priest situation they know about. Titles mean nothing, which is why you need to continue reading.
Second, take your time getting to know the men you are seeing. Don’t just take for granted whatever they say. Research them online (since this is easy to do now). Read their resumes on LinkedIn and see their work history. What kind of connections do they have? Look at what they are posting on social media. They are making it very clear who they are online what they aren’t saying on a date. Spend time getting to know them in person, online and don’t have sex with them until you feel they are ready to make a commitment to you. If you just want sex, then be honest about this. Don’t flip the script once you have been in bed because this only makes you dishonest.
Third, meet their family and find out how they treat their mom and their dad. If they have children, are they responsible for them. Whatever their excuse is, it won’t change because of you. A man should be responsible for his family, his children, and himself.
Fourth, what have his relationships been like in the past? Is he talking all about their problems or has he taken some time to re-evaluate himself and take responsibility for why these partnerships failed.
Fifth, if there are mental health issues what is he doing about it? If he has them and is not in therapy or taking medications or in recovery or whatever the issue is, then he is not responsible for his well-being. Don’t listen to excuses. You are not a therapist and your love is not going to make him well.
Once you have taken a look at all of these things you can think more clearly about whether or not this is the man for you. If you are playing the monkey see no evil, hear no evil, say no evil, then you have to take responsibility for what you get. Trust your instincts. If it doesn’t feel right it isn’t. Don’t fall into the desperate trap of not wanting to be alone. It is better to be alone then to be with someone who is not the man you want.
When we, as women, begin to respect our bodies and our minds more, men will be forced to have higher expectations as well. If it is hard to get us in bed, they will have to work harder at behaving like a gentleman, taking responsibility and dressing like a man rather than a child. Wouldn’t you like to see them pull up their pants, brush their hair (and teeth), shave that mess off their face, take that hood/cap off their head and behave more maturely? They don’t have to when we make life easy for them.
All these period pieces that we watch, like Downtown Abbey are very clear. When we had values about marriage, men and their worth they were forced to live up to this expectation. Other men went along with it so that their fathers, brothers, uncles, all supported the woman in having the best in life. Not every match was perfect then but this is not because their values were wrong. Knowledge and education were not as available as it is today. This is what we are doing wrong today. With all that we know we should be much farther than we are as women and as a society. Instead, we have taken things for granted and decided we can just do whatever we want, whenever we want it. That is fine if this is a choice you are making and you take what comes with it – the consequences. It is not okay if you begin to blame others for mistakes you yourself made. If you go into life believing that something magical will happen because your love is going to change everything, this is not the other persons fault. It is time for us all to wake up from the fantasy we have created in our minds and create a more responsible world to live in. Starting with our own.
To read more about this, check out my new book.