Archives

Choose Chastity Because You Have Self-Respect

The idea of remaining a virgin has always had religious connotations with it because this is where the concept has the strongest need. In our modern society many people are ashamed to associate with a faith, which is very sad because it is important to value spirituality as well as mind and body. Parents are refusing to provide religious instruction through some avenue of persuasion, opting to “let them choose,” which is about as ignorant as allowing a child to vote. So by writing about chastity here, I want to put it in the context of self-respect.  For some reason modern women writers tend to focus on making sex acceptable and I think it is more important to make self-respect acceptable and a priority. This is not a conversation about religion but it is about being a feminist and it is not about hating men.

Not having sex before you are married is a very beautiful step toward choosing the right partner. It takes a certain amount of maturity, wisdom and focus to make this decision. I am always so proud of my female clients when they tell me they have opted to go in this direction. Some make the decision because of religion and some because they are smart enough to know they are not ready. When my female clients have chosen to embark on the path of sex before marriage, I am proud of them for choosing birth control and safe sex (a majority of young women refuse to use birth control). I know these women are not getting any support from their girlfriends because the “in” crowd is focused on their sexual appetites and what brand of sex they choose. The latter is ridiculous because you cannot be sure of your identity until you are an adult and even then, it takes time to adjust to being in the real world. Many people, I believe, are going to rue the day they made drastic changes to their sex and persona as a young person – wait and see. We have already gone through the plastic surgery guilt and the sudden surge in sex changes and sexual confusion is next. We, as psychology professionals cannot even give certain diagnoses to minors and this is because they are going through identity confusion.  So this is my main argument for chastity. Teenagers are going through an identity crisis and it is best to wait until they are an adult to make any sexual decisions. Regret is a painful feeling to deal with throughout your life.

With chastity before marriage so many benefits come with this decision. You are free to focus on your future without any inhibitions or “responsibilities,” [to someone]. In the meantime, it is important to date and befriend lots of people but be very open about your boundary of not having sex. By doing so, you will get rid of the bad people immediately who are only about pulling down your drawers. You don’t have to worry about disease or babies that “accidentally” occur because you have chosen not to use birth control. You can think about college or career aspirations. You can focus on building a financial portfolio so that you can buy a house and a nice car. You can enjoy having fun with friends and dates because you are not tied down to anyone. When you are dating, you are taking the time to get to know one another and finding out what it is you want in a relationship. When you finally do choose to marry, you are wearing a white wedding dress with pride and because you respect the meaning of the color. The long term benefits are that you will have a lot more happiness by choosing to respect yourself and you will be more successful in life.

The cons that come with sex before marriage are that once you have gone down this road, it is hard to turn back. You can with perseverance and strength and a willingness to start over though. Sex at a young age often becomes a place to perform. Young people get caught up in size, quantity, positions, acting, what they are able to do, and how great they are. This is a very shallow path toward a future because you become focused on your statistics and performance rather than your life. Many people, I have spoken with, who start out at a young age get so lost that they forget who they are. I spend time in sessions coaching them on how to find the human being that rests within. Of course because our society has decided it is not politically correct to discipline a young woman or the young man, for not using birth control, so many women have determined they can take the chances. They see these hideous reality shows where women have multiple partners, have babies before marriage and men see that it is practically acceptable to abandon a woman once she is pregnant. Our society is more focused on feeling sorry for than teaching values. Celebrities have no sense of their role in society and how they are ruining our young people by setting poor examples. It is great for a wealthy person to have a baby at 16 because they have nannies to take care of the unwanted child. The average person has nothing financially to contribute and this can end up leading to social services intervention and/or the public welfare system.

Sex is not a bad thing; it is a very wonderful way to be with a person that you love. It is icing on the cake but much more worthwhile when you have taken the time to get to know someone. Building a friendship and having trust and respect with your partner is foreplay. Foreplay is not a conversation on a first or second or so on date that you end with sex. It takes time to build this emotional connection and once you have a commitment, don’t end this by having sex. Wait to get married to do this, you’ve gone this far so why not? Young people are not able to make a decision that they are in love with someone when their friendship is about sex.

Emotional instability is often the very reason that women end up being unfaithful to their partners because we have “emotional infidelity” (before the act is performed of having sex) whereas men have physical infidelity upfront. When women don’t have a strong emotional connection to their partner, they seek someone else to fulfill this wish. You can’t love someone just because you have had sex together. That is infatuation. You can’t expect to build a relationship on a one night stand or a fling. Most women try to do this and they fall short or end up pregnant hoping to force the issue. Obviously none of this works. To quick to jump in bed is behind so many failed marriages.

The degradation of our current society is at an all-time low that I often wonder if it will ever be possible to repair it. So many inappropriate messages are being thrown out into our culture which unfortunately is witnessed by everyone, including the very young. When I grew up these topics needed to wait until after the nine o’clock hour which was reserved for adults. Even then, the topics were hardly an issue of concern to young people, not when you compare this with our world today. The focus on death by suicide and suicidal ideation is really missing the point. It is not about encouraging people to be sexually open; it is about encouraging self-esteem and abstinence as a way toward a happier and more successful life. I wonder if the rate would be so high if minors were not so focused on coming out or having sex in general? If we made the priority in schools about academia and goal planning for the future rather than passing a test and getting out of school. The idea of focusing on bathrooms rather than education when a person should not be choosing their sexuality as a minor (especially changing the gender) is so harmful to the young psyche whose brain doesn’t even stop developing until they are an adult. Young people won’t need to worry about bathrooms and sexuality if they are focused on their academic future. When they are out in the real world and beginning to see what life is all about, than they can make choices with a clear mind that is not intimidated by peer pressure, family, or religion.

Young people, often, do know what their sexuality is at a very young age but it is more important that they behave like a child and have fun. It is more important that they are groomed for adulthood and are taught principles to grow on. This means learning about religion – with their parents there to instruct as well as the religious sector. It means getting a good education – with their parents taking this seriously and being involved with the school. It means the parents need to teach values, i.e., work ethics and family beliefs. The only thing a young person should be choosing is which sport or type of dance to be in or which school club to join or which elective they want to take. Even then, this should be a decision agreed upon with the parents based on finances of course.

By not focusing on sex a child will have a much stronger and healthier sense of self. Being chaste will more than likely cause a child to be better educated in the long run and this will help them to make better choices in life. It is time for us to take a step back and reflect on the values we, as older adults, were taught growing up and realize how great we had it. Then we need to re-think the messages we are sending out on the Internet and how it is affecting the young minds. A young woman is more of a feminist by respecting her mind, body and spirit and a young man respecting feminist ideals when it is not about getting her in bed. Wait to have sex or to determine your sex and focus on your future. You will thank me one day.

Advertisements

Who will buy the cow when you give the milk for free?

 

Metaphors are very blunt and get to the point. Who will buy the cow when you give the milk for free? Why marry the woman when you are already having sex with her? This brilliant movie from Turkey “Kurt Seyit and Sura,” shows a young Russian girl smitten by an older dashing Turkish officer. He is from a wealthy family and works as a Lieutenant for the last Czar. She comes from a noble family. The empire is about to collapse when the two lovers meet. They fall in love and then when both of their lives are in danger, she runs off with the handsome man. Of course sex has already occurred and for years they continue to have a relationship but never marry. His father demanded he would not marry outside of the culture and now he has died. The man and woman struggle with their love. For years she begins to become a stronger woman and this becomes an issue for him. He is used to being in charge and not having people question his orders. Their relationship finally meets with an end. He is set up to marry a Turkish girl (whom he never beds until they wed) and within the week they are married. The young Russian girl is distraught, shocked and confused.  Why is it that after all these years, he marries a woman just like that? Why when she has been there for him, waited for him, ran his business for him, loved him, nurtured him, was he able to quickly change gears? This is the question that many women continue to ask themselves in today’s modern society. The story of Kurt  Seyit and Sura is based on a true story. It is the tale of so many women around the world.

Almost half of all marriages fail in today’s society. We get it all wrong. We think our historical characters were the ones who erred and we are much wiser. We believe in sex, birth control, drinking, drugs, everyone can vote and hold down jobs, we can make babies whether we are married or not, and we can marry and have relationships with whomever we want. Anything can happen in our current “Caligula,” type of society and yet, and yet, we have half of all marriages that fail – this obviously is not counting all the relationships that never marry and fail. It is not counting the countless interludes that never make it to a relationship. So what is more important is looking at couples who do succeed and never marry. It is more important to look at why this occurs.

How many of you know people who waited to have sex before they were married? What can you say about this relationship? How many of you know people who have married for over 50 years and you can, without a doubt, say that you would look up to these people for marital advice? What have you learned from these couples? I think it is equally important to talk to older women who are not married to find out their story and what they have realized as an aging woman about marriage and what lasts.

The TV series above would seem out of place in today’s society. We all have sex so why is this a problem? The male character above has loyalty to family, roots and traditions. Not too many people even know what their roots are anymore and so they are scattered and ungrounded. Knowing and being proud of your culture helps a person to have confidence, stability, security and a sense of boundaries. It is easy to respect someone who is loyal to their culture, religion and family. It is not easy when you are a young person who is out on their own for the first time and full of lust, passion and vitality that makes you believe you can conquer any obstacle that comes across your path. Young people practically beg for this to happen on an unconscious level. As a young person, misplacing values will easily lead you in the wrong direction. Sex is wonderful, it is fun, exciting, lustful, and yet it is the key to longevity when you hold it at bay. Having sex as a young woman, without the wedding, means that you are more than likely going to end up with children, more than one partner and alone in old age.

Look around you at single women, single mothers and single older women. Talk to them to find out their story. What do they wish they would have done differently, now that they know?

Most American audiences hated the TV Series above. They assumed the title meant that this was a Cinderella story and everyone would end up happily ever after. European films are not about happily ever after though, they are about writing great storylines, building characters and dealing with tragedy. The male character in this storyline was a Turk in Russia, working as a soldier for the Czar, he spends the rest of his life running and hiding because anyone connected with the Czar was killed. He goes to his native country after his family is murdered and tries to find some respite there. Unfortunately, this is the same time period when the British occupied Turkey, along with the Italians and a few other powers. It was the end of the Ottoman Empire as well. Most likely he was suffering from PTSD and what works for this male character, his defense mechanism or coping skill, is that he continues to play the Lieutenant. He expects everyone around him to follow him. He leads others in attempts to strengthen the Turkish in their attempts to fight against the British (they only mention British in this TV series). As I listened to Americans crying, getting angry, talking about having depression symptoms when they saw the end of this film, I kept this in mind. I was already half way through the series and had an inkling the title was just the beginning and not the ending. I too felt sad at hearing how the ending would turn out but then I continued watching anyway. This is my fourth Turkish TV series so I have gotten used to how they turn out.

Watching the second half as a psychotherapist, I saw how the writer carefully prepared the audience for the ending. We could already see that Seyit, the male character, was holding back from marriage. We could see that Sura, the female character, was going out of her way to do whatever she could to salvage what was left. She became desperate, overcompensating, strong-willed and independent. It is natural to assume that a man would respect you for these character traits and perhaps some would. However, many males prefer to continue having to take care of the girl and aren’t so enthralled to see her become a woman; especially when they are not even married. He wanted to continue seeing her as his fairytale princess who reminded him of the past. She was becoming a survivor, a woman she could be proud of and hoped he would too but he did not.

When it comes to relationships, you must set the rules from the beginning. You must do this before you give things away. You must see that these rules have been met before you go to the next stage. For every rule that you allow to be broken, you are saying “I don’t have much respect for myself.” Yes, absolutely it is a double standard – he can do but you can’t do. We can have a modern society all that we want but on an instinctual level we are going to go for what we know makes sense. We all like rules but when we break them we have disconnect and sabotage. When we follow rules that we know are right because it is natural to us at the gut level maybe I could say at the primitive level, life runs much more smoothly. So why do we make life so difficult for ourselves? We have a big ego!! 

 

 

 

Absent Hearts, Missing Pieces

This is the title of a memoir I published in 2003 but it is now out of print. I thought of the title again today when I was thinking of the holidays and all the sadness I continue to have of missing people in my life. Memories that won’t be made because of family members who have died or grandchildren who I am not allowed to see. I thought about being a single parent and all the women in my ancestry who were single parents, who began this trend long ago. I think about women today who glamorize this topic, the media who puts an entertaining spin on it, the women who argue with women who don’t want to have children, the 50% rate of unplanned pregnancies in America and the 40-50% divorce rate. I wonder about all the children who I have worked with over the years, who had no fathers because they weren’t allowed to see them. Mothers who were mad at the man they slept with because he didn’t give them the fantasy they craved. Fathers who are absent from children’s lives because they were players, addicts, pissed at the mother, never had a father themselves and didn’t know how to be one, the list goes on. These parents, who were quick to have sex but refused to take responsibility for the future by using birth control. I have been the kid, the granddaughter, and a single parent myself.

Imagine what it is like to be a child and your father is no longer around, as mine was at the age of four. By nine, my stepfather adopted me, because my father signed off on the papers so he would not have to pay child support. It sounds like a quick fix but I did not want this. I loved both my father and my stepfather. Imagine what it is like to suddenly be told that I could not see my two half-sisters, my grandparents, my stepmother, my aunts and uncles. As a young adult, it would be my maternal grandmother who put me in touch with my father and I began to become re-acquainted with my paternal family once more. She did not believe it was right what my family did. Re-connecting is not very easy when you have lost over a decade of growing with the people you once loved. It is not easy for them either. One of my half-sisters died before I could ever see her again. My memory of her is when she was about seven or eight years old.

Coming from such a tragic childhood, I fell into the trap of searching for someone to feel an emotional void. A guy I met in high school, who came from a father who was not there and who was at one time a batterer to his mother and an addict. I never knew addiction growing up; this was one issue I was lucky to not have to face as a child. Once I did face this and domestic violence from my husband, I got out quickly but not before having a child of my own.

I never re-married but I did continue to follow a path of looking to fill an emotional void. The difference though between myself and many other woman today, I took responsibility by making sure I did not bring another child into the world, just because I was looking for love in all the wrong places. One child raised by a single parent was enough for me. I learned my lesson there and I learned my lesson as a child. Life wasn’t easy for me, for my child and I wouldn’t do that to another until I figured life out and was more secure financially and emotionally.

My son grew up, eventually we found his dad and later, my son became a father as well. Unfortunately, he also took the path of an addict and brought three children into the world with three different women. He has since become a recovering addict, his father died unwilling to ever take responsibility for his health, his child or get off of the drugs. As a result of being an addict for so many years, these mothers of my son’s children were unable to admit to their own failures in the choices they made with men. The fact that neither they nor my son used birth control but yet it is “all” my son’s fault and they are angry with him. As a result of this, two of my grandchildren are not allowed to be visited by my son. He is able to keep in touch with the eldest who is 15 and old enough for Facebook but lives in a tiny town far away. This child wants to visit his dad but is forced to do what his mother requests. My son pays child support, gives him gifts for birthday and Christmas, talks to him almost daily but never gets to see him. In Ohio, it is not what is in the best interests of the child but what the mother wants. Men have no rights here to their children. Grandparents have no rights to their grandchildren.

My granddaughter lives near my son and goes to the same school as her half-brother and step-brother. Her name is not on the roster and my son believes she has been adopted by someone that her mother began a relationship with after him. My local grandson knows who she is though as he did meet with her a few times before her mother decided no one could be involved with her child. Her mother was in a relationship with my son, while he was in a relationship with my grandson’s mother. They were together in the same house he shared with my grandson’s mother even. Both of them were using drugs and partying “like there was no tomorrow,” but my son is the one who is in the wrong and my granddaughter is being punished, as is my son and I, because of this.

Being a single parent is no joy ride and it is difficult for the children to bear. I do not believe any parent should stay married for the sake of the children because this is not the answer. I do believe that we need to take more responsibility with our sex lives and the partners we choose. Having sex is fun, raising children is a lifetime and it costs money. It is easy to blame another but both parents have to take responsibility when a child is brought into this world. It is never ONE person’s fault. It is certainly not the fault of the children that the father did not give YOU, the mother, what you wanted.

My father was a player and hurt my mom’s feelings. This was wrong of him. I understand her animosity toward him because of this. I understand she needed the money from him as my stepfather was paying the way. However, it was not my fault that he was a player or that he wasn’t paying child support. He never harmed me and my parents were not desperate for money. After I was adopted, they made the same amount of money as beforehand. Meanwhile, I was emotionally wounded at the loss of my paternal family.

My son IS a recovering addict and has taken steps to clean up his life, get in touch with these women and reach out to be an involved parent. It is not my grandchildren’s fault that they want him to choose them now that he is clean. It is not my grandchildren’s fault that their mothers are jealous of his new life. These children will never have the benefit of their father and his family being in their life. They are being punished for their mother’s mistakes which they refuse to acknowledge and take responsibility for. My son was wrong for what he did and their mothers are wrong for their part too.

Many children will grow up in households, never knowing their fathers and in some cases their mothers. They will be turned against their fathers and in some cases will be told lies about who he was. From being a psychotherapist and having worked in social services, I see family patterns repeating themselves for many generations. I see girls being sexually molested by stepfathers, mom’s boyfriends, uncles, grandfathers. Often their mothers were too in childhood. I see boys who have spent time behind bars. Often their fathers were too.  I see adults coming in to tell me their anger toward the father who was never there. Telling me about fathers they didn’t know they had because they assumed the guy who raised them was the dad. I hear stories about mothers who never recovered from the man who jilted them and so the children aren’t really sure what to believe. Sometimes adults hold out hope that he might have been a good guy but more often than not, they take their mothers or grandmothers side of the story. Sometimes there is a huge blank from the families, because this is never discussed. The adult kids of missing parents don’t know what to believe.

Children have a right to know their families, both paternal and maternal. They have a right to figure out for themselves what this guy was like on their own as both my son and I did. If they then choose not to have a relationship with this person, it is on them. Closed adoptions are inappropriate and unfair to the child and to the family involved. If a mother has been raped by a man or if the man is a dangerous person to be around, this is one thing. The child should still be told. Many circumstances, neither of these situations are the case. In almost all circumstances, the grandparents are not to blame, nor the aunts/uncles, cousins, etc… The half-siblings of these children are certainly not to blame. Why do we continue to create this vicious cycle over and over again? Why do men and women continue to have unprotected sex? Why do women continue to lie to their children because they are upset with the father? It won’t end as long as we continue to ignore this topic because we don’t want to shame the single parent. Or because we aren’t being politically correct for some reason.

The holidays are meant to be spent with family. This is a time to create memories. It is a time to learn the stories of your ancestors. It is a time to find out who is who and make your own interpretations of what you see for yourself. Don’t kid yourself into believing that your lies will somehow help the child to have a better life. It never does.

Expect More and You Will Get More

Ladies, you are smart, independent, beautiful, modern thinkers. Get what you want first and then consider bringing a man into your life (or woman if this is your choice). If women expect more out of men, by respecting themselves more, men will be forced to go back to behaving like gentlemen. Wouldn’t you like to see them pull up their pants, take that hood/cap off their head, brush their hair, shave their face, brush their teeth and over all, be responsible? After all, romantic movies continue to be all the rage and the men in these films are not dressed like the aforementioned. If you want to get a man, you have to behave like a woman and if you want an equal then you have to look at your own life. If you are a single parent (or single woman) with no education, no direction in life, you are going to attract the same type of person, not a prince but a pauper. This is why you have to get out there and make the life you want now before you decide who you will share your life with, who will help you raise your child (if you have one) and who will respect you for who you are.

Ladies, you make life too easy for men. If you are too quick to be on your back, are not using birth control and then expecting the man to marry you and help raise that child you have both just created, this makes no sense. Why should a man work hard for something you are handing right over to him? I am a Pro-Choice woman myself but I am still perplexed that more and more women are doing the “Oops I got pregnant,” when you chose not to use birth control. Imagining that a man will stay for a baby is an old wives’ tale. Forcing him to marry you isn’t love. Of course, it is just as much the guys fault for sleeping with someone who is not using birth control. Often I see men who act as if they knew nothing about it. Don’t go to bed on a whim without using birth control.  It is not fair to these children. Don’t confuse sex for love. Sex is lust. Love is a process of getting to know someone and building a foundation based on respect and then trust.

Years ago, I watched either Eddy Murphy or Chris Rock in a stand up performance on TV talking about women and orgasms. They were known for being pretty crude and honest about being a man. There was a whole skit about women’s orgasms and the bottom line was that once a woman cums, she is yours, you have her and you can pretty much sit back and enjoy the ride from here on in. This is an extremely intimate moment that causes some women to feel that they have finally connected in such a raw way and believe that he is theirs. No one can make them feel like this and they want it even more. Hence our mind conjures up the scene played out in many cartoon strips where the man is smoking a cigarette and the woman wants to talk.

If you expect more from a man, you will get more. If you give him everything you got, body and soul, then you have nothing left. The same with getting married. If you marry him without setting some boundaries and asking for what you want, he will assume you took him as is. No one changes because they get married. They just get worse because of all the assumptions and lack of communication. Couples counseling is often people coming in hoping I am going to change the other person. I don’t do this because I know it is impossible and I tell people this. I work on their communication skills and often, it is at this point of listening that people begin to realize whether they want to remain in this relationship or not.

If you have it to do all over again, here is a better way to do this.

First, take some time to re-think what it is that you want from life. What do you want from a life partner? I hear many people of faith say “I just want a good [insert religion] guy.” Then I tell them, “So if he is an alcoholic and a Christian is this okay?” No, of course not they say. This is what I mean by thinking what you want in life. Many people stick with “He is a good [insert religion] man and goes to the [religious place of worship], so he must be a good man.” One thing does not mean the other. Lots of “Good” religious teachers,” end up doing bad things. Things we have read about online, saw on TV but mostly, I think about what people have told me in session about how they have begun to question their spirituality due to some minister or priest situation they know about. Titles mean nothing, which is why you need to continue reading.

Second, take your time getting to know the men you are seeing. Don’t just take for granted whatever they say. Research them online (since this is easy to do now). Read their resumes on LinkedIn and see their work history. What kind of connections do they have? Look at what they are posting on social media. They are making it very clear who they are online what they aren’t saying on a date. Spend time getting to know them in person, online and don’t have sex with them until you feel they are ready to make a commitment to you. If you just want sex, then be honest about this. Don’t flip the script once you have been in bed because this only makes you dishonest.

Third, meet their family and find out how they treat their mom and their dad. If they have children, are they responsible for them. Whatever their excuse is, it won’t change because of you. A man should be responsible for his family, his children, and himself.

Fourth, what have his relationships been like in the past? Is he talking all about their problems or has he taken some time to re-evaluate himself and take responsibility for why these partnerships failed.

Fifth, if there are mental health issues what is he doing about it? If he has them and is not in therapy or taking medications or in recovery or whatever the issue is, then he is not responsible for his well-being. Don’t listen to excuses. You are not a therapist and your love is not going to make him well.

Once you have taken a look at all of these things you can think more clearly about whether or not this is the man for you. If you are playing the monkey see no evil, hear no evil, say no evil, then you have to take responsibility for what you get. Trust your instincts. If it doesn’t feel right it isn’t. Don’t fall into the desperate trap of not wanting to be alone. It is better to be alone then to be with someone who is not the man you want.

When we, as women, begin to respect our bodies and our minds more, men will be forced to have higher expectations as well. If it is hard to get us in bed, they will have to work harder at behaving like a gentleman, taking responsibility and dressing like a man rather than a child. Wouldn’t you like to see them pull up their pants, brush their hair (and teeth), shave that mess off their face, take that hood/cap off their head and behave more maturely? They don’t have to when we make life easy for them.

All these period pieces that we watch, like Downtown Abbey are very clear. When we had values about marriage, men and their worth they were forced to live up to this expectation. Other men went along with it so that their fathers, brothers, uncles, all supported the woman in having the best in life. Not every match was perfect then but this is not because their values were wrong. Knowledge and education were not as available as it is today. This is what we are doing wrong today. With all that we know we should be much farther than we are as women and as a society. Instead, we have taken things for granted and decided we can just do whatever we want, whenever we want it. That is fine if this is a choice you are making and you take what comes with it – the consequences. It is not okay if you begin to blame others for mistakes you yourself made. If you go into life believing that something magical will happen because your love is going to change everything, this is not the other persons fault. It is time for us all to wake up from the fantasy we have created in our minds and create a more responsible world to live in.  Starting with our own.

To read more about this, check out my new book.

princefinal

Sexual Energy and the Affair

Sexual energy has a power that only those who practice the ancient ways really understand. This vibration has a strong hold over people and unless you are in touch with it, you can be run by it and not realize why you are trapped emotionally.

I once went to an ancient ritual site in England called Avebury. This place is twice the size of Stonehenge (only an hour away) and it even has a village inside the belly of it. I felt a strong erotic pull the minute I got out and began to walk near this very large tree. I continued walking near some of the stones and saw a young couple on the ground gnawing at each other so desperately I was concerned they wouldn’t be able to let go. In a way it was humorous to me, as it confirmed my suspicions that there was something to this place.

When I returned from England, I purchased a book on this area. I found that fertility rituals, marriage vows, and other types of majick involving the male and female took place here. Even though this beautiful landmark has not been used for this purpose – to my knowledge – since the time of Stonehenge rituals, the energy continues to exist in that space.

I wrote a few days ago about Spiritual  Love as well. I mentioned the Kama Sutra which is about utilizing sexual energy to attain nirvana. The vibration you get between your two hands when you rub them together is one thing. Between two human beings who are interlocked in a passionate embrace is something quite different. When sex goes sour between a couple, the energy wanes and this is why the relationship becomes distraught. The relationship has run out of gas.

I bring this up to discuss the power of sexual energy and infidelity. Many times I talk with women (and sometimes men – I see more women than men in my practice and this is not unusual for therapy), who have been unfaithful to their partners. Some women understand the nature of infidelity and know how to manage this energy. Some do not. When I see a person who is hanging on to the energy – because they don’t understand it, I try to help them through it. However, it is like working with a victim of abuse. Sometimes you can be so caught up in the web and be filled with so much hope and fantasy that things will change, that you are unable to see the reality of the situation. This can be damaging to a person. In the end, once they are faced with the truth, they will then feel so much pain.

If an unfaithful partnership has been found out, but not ended, closure needs to happen in order to get on with your life. How can this happen when you are being forced to do this rather than making the decision on your own? It is a tough place to be in. Especially if you believe you are in love. Actually it is not crazy to assume you are in love it is the reality of that love that can be mind bending. A relationship that begins in a space of dishonesty is building up a lot of bad karma for one thing. It is also unifying two people together in a sexual energy that is extremely erotic and hedonistic. The longer it goes, the more power it has if both people are continuing to be attracted to the other. The more the couple feeds into it (after being caught) the more damaging this power will become to their lives.

Power can be used for good or bad. An unfaithful partnership can become narcissistic and the two can be so sucked up in the infidelity vortex that they only see themselves and no one else. Or, if you are conscious of this energy, you can look at things from a mature perspective and separate – sometimes even separate from the marital spouse – to breathe again on your own until you have brought some balance back into your life. It is hard to stay with the marital spouse because there is unbalanced, disloyal energy present in this abode. Once you (the unfaithful one) have re-gained your own individual power, than you can make a decision as to which direction you will go in next.

With sex that is temporary, a short-term bout with an affair, you will still feel the pull of this energy. If the partnership was not something you enjoyed, it won’t be so bad. But if there was an intense erotic connection – even for a short time, there is a powerful energy that has occurred and it might take some time to pull back from. I have worked with women in this situation and helped them understand this emotional stress they are going through. It is also important to know that the longer they stay, the more of a vibration they are going to create. Is it worth ending your marriage over? This is when you have to weigh the options and look at the relationship for what it is. A wake-up call that your marriage is in dis-repair and it is time for couples counseling. If you are ready to end it, that is one thing, if you are unsure this is another.

Don’t ever leave a partner because of another person. By doing so, you are starting that relationship – if it is even agreed upon by that other person (the lover) – with some bad energy. It is begun from a place of pain. Similar to the rebound situation of going out with a person after breaking up with someone. Until you have healed from one partnership, you can’t expect to start another. Until you have learned why your marriage/partnership led to discord, infidelity, you will make the same mistakes in the next one. Partnerships are lessons, not just companionship, security and sex. Once you take an unfaithful relationship into a committed, open partnership – where you are now living together, the sex loses the passion and the sexual excitement. It is no longer taboo. Now it is just typical day-to-day routine. While you may think you want this, until the honeymoon stage is over – approximately six months, most likely sooner for infidelity now open relationship, it is not likely to last when reality sinks in.

This is why all relationships, when they begin (and continue), need to have communication that is open and honest. Infidelity begins with sex, with women it begins with the conversation that seduces them into the bedroom. The conversation where they believe the man is being their therapist and empathizing with their marital concerns. Men are physical and rarely give a crap about what you are dealing with in your marriage. When they want to pull your pants down and have been dying for this moment, they will pretend to listen but do so only because they know this will get you to undress in the end. Women assume that this person now cares about them and this is where the trap begins. People who share deep intimate details feel a bond with the person who is listening. After they have gotten naked and built up the vibration sexually, the web of this energy pulls you into another dimension. Think before you screw. What are you capable of handling emotionally? Even if you choose this and then realize you have got to pull back and re-think this – you are in emotionally whether you want to be or not. It takes a very strong person to get through this. Most men can let it go and detach themselves very easily. Women, most of us are connected to our emotions – our intuitive thoughts – whether we realize or not and so sex is rarely just a one night stand. No matter what you tell yourself.

This is all quite a bit to take in and is not easily understood, or explained for that matter, in a blog article. It is difficult for me to even touch on this in a fifty minute session. There are lots of books out there on sexuality and I request that you investigate this even more if you are at all grasping what I am saying here. Knowledge is power and containing this power, knowing how to use it in a good way – is a very decent and conscious way to be a human being on this planet. Otherwise, you are building up a lot of negative karma that will destroy your life but also can have an effect on your children as well. Perhaps another blog article to consider.

Have sex consciously and when you don’t, heed the realities of what is there. Learn from what happened, what you experienced and then move forward in your life.