Tag Archive | Sexual intercourse

Choose Chastity Because You Have Self-Respect

The idea of remaining a virgin has always had religious connotations with it because this is where the concept has the strongest need. In our modern society many people are ashamed to associate with a faith, which is very sad because it is important to value spirituality as well as mind and body. Parents are refusing to provide religious instruction through some avenue of persuasion, opting to “let them choose,” which is about as ignorant as allowing a child to vote. So by writing about chastity here, I want to put it in the context of self-respect.  For some reason modern women writers tend to focus on making sex acceptable and I think it is more important to make self-respect acceptable and a priority. This is not a conversation about religion but it is about being a feminist and it is not about hating men.

Not having sex before you are married is a very beautiful step toward choosing the right partner. It takes a certain amount of maturity, wisdom and focus to make this decision. I am always so proud of my female clients when they tell me they have opted to go in this direction. Some make the decision because of religion and some because they are smart enough to know they are not ready. When my female clients have chosen to embark on the path of sex before marriage, I am proud of them for choosing birth control and safe sex (a majority of young women refuse to use birth control). I know these women are not getting any support from their girlfriends because the “in” crowd is focused on their sexual appetites and what brand of sex they choose. The latter is ridiculous because you cannot be sure of your identity until you are an adult and even then, it takes time to adjust to being in the real world. Many people, I believe, are going to rue the day they made drastic changes to their sex and persona as a young person – wait and see. We have already gone through the plastic surgery guilt and the sudden surge in sex changes and sexual confusion is next. We, as psychology professionals cannot even give certain diagnoses to minors and this is because they are going through identity confusion.  So this is my main argument for chastity. Teenagers are going through an identity crisis and it is best to wait until they are an adult to make any sexual decisions. Regret is a painful feeling to deal with throughout your life.

With chastity before marriage so many benefits come with this decision. You are free to focus on your future without any inhibitions or “responsibilities,” [to someone]. In the meantime, it is important to date and befriend lots of people but be very open about your boundary of not having sex. By doing so, you will get rid of the bad people immediately who are only about pulling down your drawers. You don’t have to worry about disease or babies that “accidentally” occur because you have chosen not to use birth control. You can think about college or career aspirations. You can focus on building a financial portfolio so that you can buy a house and a nice car. You can enjoy having fun with friends and dates because you are not tied down to anyone. When you are dating, you are taking the time to get to know one another and finding out what it is you want in a relationship. When you finally do choose to marry, you are wearing a white wedding dress with pride and because you respect the meaning of the color. The long term benefits are that you will have a lot more happiness by choosing to respect yourself and you will be more successful in life.

The cons that come with sex before marriage are that once you have gone down this road, it is hard to turn back. You can with perseverance and strength and a willingness to start over though. Sex at a young age often becomes a place to perform. Young people get caught up in size, quantity, positions, acting, what they are able to do, and how great they are. This is a very shallow path toward a future because you become focused on your statistics and performance rather than your life. Many people, I have spoken with, who start out at a young age get so lost that they forget who they are. I spend time in sessions coaching them on how to find the human being that rests within. Of course because our society has decided it is not politically correct to discipline a young woman or the young man, for not using birth control, so many women have determined they can take the chances. They see these hideous reality shows where women have multiple partners, have babies before marriage and men see that it is practically acceptable to abandon a woman once she is pregnant. Our society is more focused on feeling sorry for than teaching values. Celebrities have no sense of their role in society and how they are ruining our young people by setting poor examples. It is great for a wealthy person to have a baby at 16 because they have nannies to take care of the unwanted child. The average person has nothing financially to contribute and this can end up leading to social services intervention and/or the public welfare system.

Sex is not a bad thing; it is a very wonderful way to be with a person that you love. It is icing on the cake but much more worthwhile when you have taken the time to get to know someone. Building a friendship and having trust and respect with your partner is foreplay. Foreplay is not a conversation on a first or second or so on date that you end with sex. It takes time to build this emotional connection and once you have a commitment, don’t end this by having sex. Wait to get married to do this, you’ve gone this far so why not? Young people are not able to make a decision that they are in love with someone when their friendship is about sex.

Emotional instability is often the very reason that women end up being unfaithful to their partners because we have “emotional infidelity” (before the act is performed of having sex) whereas men have physical infidelity upfront. When women don’t have a strong emotional connection to their partner, they seek someone else to fulfill this wish. You can’t love someone just because you have had sex together. That is infatuation. You can’t expect to build a relationship on a one night stand or a fling. Most women try to do this and they fall short or end up pregnant hoping to force the issue. Obviously none of this works. To quick to jump in bed is behind so many failed marriages.

The degradation of our current society is at an all-time low that I often wonder if it will ever be possible to repair it. So many inappropriate messages are being thrown out into our culture which unfortunately is witnessed by everyone, including the very young. When I grew up these topics needed to wait until after the nine o’clock hour which was reserved for adults. Even then, the topics were hardly an issue of concern to young people, not when you compare this with our world today. The focus on death by suicide and suicidal ideation is really missing the point. It is not about encouraging people to be sexually open; it is about encouraging self-esteem and abstinence as a way toward a happier and more successful life. I wonder if the rate would be so high if minors were not so focused on coming out or having sex in general? If we made the priority in schools about academia and goal planning for the future rather than passing a test and getting out of school. The idea of focusing on bathrooms rather than education when a person should not be choosing their sexuality as a minor (especially changing the gender) is so harmful to the young psyche whose brain doesn’t even stop developing until they are an adult. Young people won’t need to worry about bathrooms and sexuality if they are focused on their academic future. When they are out in the real world and beginning to see what life is all about, than they can make choices with a clear mind that is not intimidated by peer pressure, family, or religion.

Young people, often, do know what their sexuality is at a very young age but it is more important that they behave like a child and have fun. It is more important that they are groomed for adulthood and are taught principles to grow on. This means learning about religion – with their parents there to instruct as well as the religious sector. It means getting a good education – with their parents taking this seriously and being involved with the school. It means the parents need to teach values, i.e., work ethics and family beliefs. The only thing a young person should be choosing is which sport or type of dance to be in or which school club to join or which elective they want to take. Even then, this should be a decision agreed upon with the parents based on finances of course.

By not focusing on sex a child will have a much stronger and healthier sense of self. Being chaste will more than likely cause a child to be better educated in the long run and this will help them to make better choices in life. It is time for us to take a step back and reflect on the values we, as older adults, were taught growing up and realize how great we had it. Then we need to re-think the messages we are sending out on the Internet and how it is affecting the young minds. A young woman is more of a feminist by respecting her mind, body and spirit and a young man respecting feminist ideals when it is not about getting her in bed. Wait to have sex or to determine your sex and focus on your future. You will thank me one day.

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Sex with the Sadist – Only in it for Themself

On the heels of my previous article “Exploring S&M,” I wanted to write a different approach to this by looking at the partner (often men) who are having sex with themselves. This is the partner who is focused on their erection, their orgasm, how often they have sex, complaining to you when you aren’t up to speed, aren’t good enough, don’t want it enough, the partner who is not focused on you but on them.

Side note: Older couples are dealing with erectile dysfunction and there are couples who for one reason or another are no longer interested in sex due to medications they are on or the aging process. I am not talking about this group of partners.

The perpetrator of this: sex is all about them, is a person that generally goes after victims. They tend to prey on a partner who has been hurt in some way and is already uncomfortable with their body and their sexuality. This perpetrator is also a victim but takes on the role of dominatrix as a coping skill. While both are victims, this is not a healing session. You are never going to be good enough for him – no matter how much you change in the bedroom.   Instead, the victim is continuing to be traumatized, losing even more respect for themselves. The perpetrator continues to have the feeling that women are a waste of time and unable to fulfill their needs emotionally. This is because they use sex as a tool for emotional gratification. The victim is doing the same thing. Neither is enjoying life.

The Sadist who is having sex with himself, is just using you as a body. You are no different than any other body. And when you are having sex with this person, it makes you a masochist. No one is enjoying the pain.  This is not role play either because you are not getting your needs met. You are not wanting this.

It is so painful to hear a woman talking about her sex life and helping her to see the reality of what is happening here. Often they believe this is the best they can do. Some are smart enough, over time with help toward self-realization. Others stay in this pattern forever, or until he finally leaves them for another woman. Sometimes he doesn’t need to leave though as he can have his cake and eat it too. This is sexual abuse.  And it is a case of why does this man even stay if his needs aren’t fulfilled by the partner. And it is the case of why does the woman stay. It is about self-loathing.

We all deserve to be loved, both men and women. A man is not the road to your happiness as this feeling comes from within.  You have to love yourself first before you can understand how to love another. You cannot change a person either. The way they are now is the way they are going to be forever – marriage does not make them love you more or turn them into the perfect mate.

The problem though is how do you love yourself, when you don’t feel worthy of love? This is a journey that takes some time and with the right professional, you will get to this place. Staying in non-consenting sadomasochist relationships is not the way to go. You will only end up hating yourself more. You can’t change them but you can change you. Today is as good a day as any to start the rest of your life.

Giving the Milk for Free

Pride and Prejudice (1995 TV series)

Image via Wikipedia

Elizabeth Taylor was known to have said that the only men she ever slept with were men who were her husbands.  You wouldn’t think that though, given the way Hollywood had her portrayed, or the movie parts that she played.

If you read this title and find yourself rolling your eyes, yet you are single and have been for many years, perhaps you might want to continue.

Why is it that we ladies watch Downton Abbey, Pride and Prejudice, Jane Eyre and other period pieces but seem to miss the point that these women were very careful in their selections and always remained chaste until marriage?  I am not writing an article about chastity however, but one of respect for one’s body.

Whether you choose to get married to a long time partner or not is your business but I am concerned about women who go for many years without a long time partner that they can trust. I am also concerned about women who find themselves in relationships over and over again with the wrong guy.  Women who feel that men are just bad, untrustworthy, lustful saps who we need to change and pity.

Perhaps everything wasn’t perfect in the 1800’s, they didn’t even have flush toilets or Kotex!  But they did seem to understand relationships – for the most part and by that I mean their manner in which they made acquaintances.  The way in which we romanticize how relationships were conducted based on how our favorite authors have guided us.

So what can we do today in our modern society that would reflect on the wise thinking of women of yesteryear.  Our own ancestors? Have respect for our body.  Take our time to make choices.  Get to know the partner in question.  Don’t have sex right away!

If you have sex the minute you know you can’t wait to find out what he is like in bed, you can’t blame him for not having any respect for you and ending up with someone else who waited.  1) Yes he had sex too and yes you both wanted it, but is that really what a potential long term partner wants – someone who is easy to get in the sack?  A definition for a marriage partner would probably not have fast and easy sex as the first priority in the marriage. 2) Yes sexual compatibility is important but isn’t it much better when you know the person very well and he has told you that he loves you? 3) Growing old with a partner is most likely not going to include fast and easy sex.

Sex is a great pasttime and it is important to have this chemistry and compatibility.  However, if you are meant to be with this person you are going to find out at some point anyway.  The more a man has to wait for sex, the more interested he will be in you.  The greater the power you have over this person – meaning you are more in charge and in control – rather than footloose and fancy free. The more time you wait to get to know the man, find out what he likes and doesn’t like, the more satisfied you will be in the long run.

I’ve heard women say “But what if I really really like him and then I have sex with him and he is a dud?”  What is more important is what if you gave your body to him and than realized he was having sex with other women?  Or what if you had sex with him and than realized he hated children?  Or hated your pets?  Or hated your best friend?  It is better to find out everything about your partner up front, before sex, to see if you even like them.  To see if it is more than just sex/lust/chemistry? How many times have you met a person’s eyes from across the room and then gone over to speak to them and found that out comes a lot of garbage?  Mr. Sexy suddenly is  Mr. Smooth talking or suddenly is Mr. opposite politics, religion from you or just Mr. Dumbbell.  Some guys are so honest it is pretty obvious that you took a wrong turn at cute and sexy.  Most guys are not.

There are Players who love to woo a woman and make her think she is the queen of the world and two months later (or less) you are the most worthless person on Earth. There are Playboys who have lots of cash thanks to mom and pop and are looking for fun, gambling, booze, and paparazzi’s to snap their every move. There are Mr. Non-committal who has been there and done that and won’t be doing it anytime soon.  There are Mr. Looking for a Wife but wouldn’t find her if she hit him on the head with a hammer.  There are also Mr. User who doesn’t drink/use that much, only during the week so he can deal with work at the end of the day.

There are so many titles we could give a man and there are so many of us women who could say – But I think I can change him.  If only he loved me more.  Even Elaine, the character on Seinfeld, thought she would make a gay man straight – which spoke to all of us change agents and naturally she did not switch him in the end. People don’t change because of a partner.  Only we can change ourselves.

Young women – do you really need to have sex with lots of men to find out what sex is all about?  Do you really need to go through the practice of getting knocked up with a man you don’t love? Sex with a man you love is much better than one you don’t love.  Sex with a man you love, who loves and respects you – the two of you will explore what sex is all about.  Sex with lots of men is a hassle, a headache and sometimes you end up really really wishing you hadn’t.

If you want to get the man that you want, you have to take the road to commitment seriously, just as Jane and Mary and Elizabeth did.  The only difference is that you will be doing this modern style.  It won’t take you several years of waiting as it did with these ladies because we do have the convenience of telephone, email, dating without chaperones, cars and the like. Most men don’t need to go out of town by horse for weeks on end to conduct business either.  So here is my bit of coaching on how to conduct yourself on a date (s).

1. Girl meets Guy and you decide to go on a date.  For pity’s sake please don’t have sex with a guy before you have even gone on a date.  One night stands will get you no where except a date with your doctor to test for sexually transmitted diseases (or to pee in a cup and see if the rabbit dies). Go on a date first!

2. Date – Spend time getting to know the guy.  Do not answer sex questions or begin flirting in a very sexual manner.  If you do, you will end up in bed and we are back at Step 1.  You are not selling sex you are selling your intellect.  Are you an intelligent woman or a whore?  Think about it.  This is the realistic picture here. If a guy wants to talk about sex on a first date or even a second, you really have to wonder about his character.  If he forces the topic, you are looking at an abusive partner. Go home and change your number if you have to!

3. No timelines for sex other than love – Don’t listen to all this crap in magazines that tell you to wait 3 months or 10 dates or whatever.  When you and the guy have really taken the time to get to know each other, meet the family, seen each others living conditions (very important), and he looks you in the eye and says “I love you.”  Than it is time to take it to the next step.  So if a guy is reading this and tells you he loves you on the first date – Yikes!  He’s playing you.  Of course if you have known each other your whole life and finally he has gotten around to telling you this, okay there are exceptions to the rule.  Most likely though, this is just a date that you are on and you just met him.

Subcategories:

Why family – do you really want to be in a relationship with a man who comes from a family that do not share your values? “Oh he is much different”  How different is he? Find out. Does his father have respect for his mother?  Was he raised with two parents?  Was he raised with grandparents?  What do they let him get away with? How is he treated in their home? Is mom very very close?  Is dad very very close?  Anything that makes your hair stand up on the back of your neck – you really have to wonder and think about.

Why living conditions – do you want to be in a long term relationship with a man who is a pig?  Who hasn’t unpacked since he moved in 10 months ago?  Who is still working on remodeling his home after 5 years?  These are all signs of a man who isn’t responsible, isn’t ready to commit and most definitely isn’t ready for you.  Does he have Playboy type pictures all over his house? Is it decorated in beer bottles and confetti?  Any signs that he is still a little boy not ready to grow up and this is a boy that still needs a mommy and doesn’t need a woman who is mature and intelligent.  Is it worth it to have sex with a man like this just to see what he is like in bed?

Body Language:

If you really want to know what a guy is like in bed, you only need to read his body language.

Is he enjoying the fact that you wait for a long time to have sex?  He is probably resistant to intimacy. Maybe he has sexual inadequacies that he is hoping to avoid you finding out. Normally a guy will ask for sex or make seductive gestures in hopes of getting you faster than you wish to wait. But wait anyway! If he can get away with getting you into bed faster, he will get away with other things too.

Is he a rigid person, very stiff, very careful with how he spends his money?  He will be the type that wants a clean break.  In and out and its over with.

Is he looking at everyone else while talking to you (does he talk or text on his cell phone while on a date)? You mean absolutely nothing to him and he has no respect for women at all. You are definitely not going to change him.

Is he spending time talking about other women he has gone out with on a first date?  He is probably not finished with her or them and will continue to think about them in your relationship, if not hook up with them at some point.  “We just needed to talk about some things.” Yeah, this usually ends up in bed or some form of intimacy.

A man who is ready to go out with another woman will be just as respectful to you as you are to him.  If you are setting boundaries from day one “I am interested in a long term relationship” and you are consistent with this value – rather than having sex with him that same night that you said that, he will respect you.  Setting a boundary and then ignoring it does not speak well for someone about their values.  Yes there are double standards but would you want to be in a long term relationship with a man who beds you before getting to know you?  Women speak loud and clear about how they want to be treated equal.  Does this mean jumping into bed with men to show them we are just like them? Or does it mean that we are wise and powerful creatures that know how to demand respect when we walk in a room and have men treat us like the ladies that we are?  Marriage is about love, commitment, sex, values, loyalty and friendship.  There are many words in that sentence that do not take second place to sex. If all you have is sex, than that is all you will ever have and that my dear one will be a short-lived, fun-filled, fantasy that leads no where but to sadness and depression.

Love is a feeling that comes when two people meet and begin to realize that the other person is a part of them. When you realize that this person is someone you want to share your life with. When you begin to get this feeling that you don’t ever want to have a life that is without them in it. It has to be a two-way street or it is not love. This feeling does not happen in one day. It is not something that happens honestly when you jump in bed with them either.   Don’t give the milk away for free.  Make them pay for it.  Make them woo you for it.  Make them want it so much that they can’t live their life without you.  Get what you want in life.  Be wise about what it is that you want.