Tag Archive | Social Media

Narcissists, Players, Charlatans, Why do we believe them?

Forty years ago, hundreds of people went to their death in a country called Guyana. Back in 1978, I was a teenage girl in high school and two years later wrote my first paper on the topic of “Religious Cults” which would transform my life. On May of 2011, I published “The Child of the Narcissist,” on my blog post and began working with survivors of narcissism in my practice. There are different phases that I see. One is the denial phase which is when the person has not yet let the person go. Second, is the acceptance phase which is when they are in realization stage and feel angry, frustrated, duped, taken, had, and wonder “How could I have been so stupid?” Or the child of a narcissist will say “Can they be helped?,” or “Am I destined to become this way?” Thirdly, I see the healing stage when they begin to set boundaries and take back their power and their life. The third stage is a place that they will be in the rest of their life because you must always be conscious, mindful and awake when you meet someone that seems to have certain qualities.

The people of Jonestown are no different than a woman who meets up with some guy who is playing her. People who fall for a narcissistic type are vulnerable, desperate and yearn to be loved and accepted. These type of people – narcissists/players/charlatans (parents are a different category because you aren’t choosing them, though this could be argued from a metaphysical perspective), are very aware of their power over men and women. They have learned – from the cradle – that they are entitled in some way. This can be from a self-imposed entitlement to protect themselves (by self-soothing) or an entitlement given to them by a parent. I have known and learned of parents who say their child is perfect and will do whatever it takes to protect them. This takes away from a child learning when they make a mistake. It takes away from a child growing and evolving over time. A friend’s father was a criminal attorney in Los Angeles and he once told me that mother’s would take second mortgages out on their homes, sell their cars, jewelry, whatever assets they could give up to pay his fees and get their kids off. My mother told us that if we went to jail we would rot.  When I watched the movie “Guyana Tragedy: The Story of Jim Jones,” I remember noting that he was engaged in animal cruelty as a boy.

When you read a little of Jim Jones biography online, you learn he was reading about leaders at a very young age such as Hitler and Stalin, all the bad guys who believed in creating what they believed was a utopia and that many people fell prey too. Jim Jones would no doubt have had many more followers today with our liberal movement – in a polarized society – because he was very big on racial equality that was not quite so popular in the 60’s and 70’s.  He adopted kids and called them a “rainbow family,” he hung out in the ghettos of the inner city where he embellished them with empathy and support. He was very much into inclusion vs. segregation. Today’s society would be worshipping a guy like him. Social Media takes advantage of people but it also worships people and generally, it is the one who seems to have the most “likes” for fame or infamy. We don’t care who it is, as long as they seem to “do the right thing.” We are more gullible now than we were then because people were much more suspicious at that time. However, those who were desperate and needy and wanting to be loved and accepted would take what they were offered. They were offered a man calling himself a Reverend. At that time, there were many charlatans on Television, though most preyed on White victims who were gullible. I remember watching a glimpse of these things while flipping channels and thinking to myself how dumb these people were.

Players or Narcissists or Sociopaths that women fall prey to are generally just local yokels that have an allure about them. Most people will think Narcissist and talk about CEO’s or Presidents or World Leaders but the vast majority are just everyday people. Many have no money at all. They just talk a good game. I have seen them on the streets of Oakland and I am not just talking about pimps and drug dealers. I have met a couple in my personal life. Now, I just hear about them in my office. Women give up their money, their families, but most of all; their sense of self. These guys are handsome but not necessarily, the woman feels that there is chemistry, often he “blows up their phone,” which makes the woman think he cares.

First, the guy comes on to them like a shy but clever puppy dog. He seems to lap up their words and embellish them with praises or just appear to be listening. He picks up on certain words or sentences that, at first, seem to show he gets them but later it becomes a weapon. How does this guy have such a great memory? Some of these players will wine and dine at first or at least until the check comes and they realized they have forgotten their wallet and make a feeble attempt for an excuse. A very liberal guy I dated once, waited till the bill came to make me aware he had no chivalry because he believed in women’s liberation. There will be jokey texts that are the beginnings of sarcasm but it seems cute and funny at first “Oh, that is just his personality,” they will tell me. Then the guy begins to push away and this is when the game begins. He is playing this game of cat and mouse, building more and more power with the person. I’ve watched my own cats play with a spider (a hopeless tiny thing) until they finally just kill it and then they walk away – they don’t even eat it.

The woman is really trapped when she tries to play his game. She begins to think she understands him. She spends her waking life thinking about him and wondering how she can get him back. In therapy, I hear long stories about how much she knows him, how two can play that game. It is sad to sit with a victim who is clueless. It is sad to listen to them talk for hours and hours about this person and wonder when they are going to get it (don’t think I just sit there though, it takes time to help a person who is in the throes of a player). I will say to them, “Do you think he is in therapy now talking about you?” or “Do you feel he spends this much time thinking about you all day?”

Stonewalling: when the player has given you way more space than you bargained for and you begin to think you are over him yet you spend every moment wondering. This is the crucial part where I try to talk to women about blocking him and moving forward in their life. It is just a hint to them at first, when they pretend they are ready to move forward. In reality, I know they are not going to block him because every day is a possibility. He knows this too. Especially when the woman needs to share something they found online – just a cute little note “That I know he would like.” This lack of impulse control shows they are now capable of ruining their own lives. They share it; get some snarky comment and the woman takes the bait. Now she is being punished and begins to enjoy it in an unconscious way. She will try harder the next time to say something more meaningful. I wrote email after email trying to profess how liberal I was becoming for a guy once. He continued to tell me I wasn’t liberal enough and wasn’t doing enough.

When you try to hint to a woman that “I hope your spouse doesn’t find these messages, [to the other guy/gal]” and they don’t seem to care this is when it is clear that they are going to get hurt. I had a woman who spent years chasing a guy who spent those same years ganging up on her till she ended up with nothing. She was dumped in another state with no transportation or money to get home, not once but twice. When women are trying to heal or become a survivor the anger is now transferred onto the guy. “How could he do something like that when he knew [x,y or z.” It is not part of a “good person’s” mindset to bring harm to someone. Hence the confusion on the victim’s part.

Jim Jones received accolades before he went to Guyana. In 1960, he was appointed to the Indianapolis Human Rights Commission. He was speaking out on radio and Television interviews. By 1977, he received the Martin Luther King Jr. Humanitarian award. The NAACP and the Urban League lapped up his praises; especially when he used their own words to play them. At that time, he was a savior to the inner city, just as Hitler had been for the Germans or Stalin and Marx had been for those seeking a philosophy that seemed to indicate a better life than what they had. Still today, people seek out the wisdom of Hitler, Stalin and Marx and many other people.  No matter what travesties these people caused in history there are still some people who continue to argue why they were right. Jim Jones had a collection of people by the time he got them on a plane and shipped them over to a little known county. And this was all before social media. Imagine what he could do now.

Trust your instincts. If something doesn’t feel right, it isn’t. There is a difference though between your ego and your instincts. One is a gut feeling and the other is YOU. If it is all happening to soon, too quick, too fast, stall and step away. Don’t think about him, think about your life and what is important to you. If this person’s story doesn’t add up, it won’t – no matter how hard you are trying to make it total. When you are spending too much time trying to protect someone from others, you know they are wrong for you. A person who is right for you will just fit easily into your life. You won’t have to explain anything. No matter how alone you are it is much better to wake up by yourself and know the day is yours than to wake up to a text message that gives you a stomach ache for the rest of the day. Being alone and having a life that is yours is much better than having a life of constant agony. Being able to choose what you will do today is better than having someone choose it for you.

When I wrote my paper on Religious Cults, back in 1980, I was 17 years old. I was about to become pregnant and married to an abusive man. I had lived in a narcissistic household that was both emotionally and physically abusive so, I began as an adult with severe PTSD. I spent years in and out of relationships, some I see were narcissistic, some were good men that I wasn’t ready for and some were just not a good fit. In the meantime, I was in years of therapy. I spent years in college and then university. I went to many self-help teachers and absorbed their lectures. It wasn’t until 2012 when my very good friend and spiritual teacher died that I was forced to grow up and face reality; truly on my own for the first time. I had to be my own teacher with no one to depend on. This is when life took on a new meaning for me. This is when I finally got it. I understood integrity to self; more than ever before. I understood boundaries and my responsibility in making the choices I made. It didn’t mean my life became easy, far from it, but it meant that I no longer settled. It meant that I made choices on my own and didn’t fall prey to others wishes or demands. It means that I am alone and without many friends because integrity can be a lonely life – until you meet people of like minds or those who respect you for who you are. But went I look back at the life I have lived before, I wouldn’t choose that one over this, “a lone” life, for anything in the world. Yes, I wish I had figured this out sooner, so I would have had a different life but I didn’t and I accept that this is where I am meant to be. I accept that the people I am here to teach are those who made choices like me (you can’t con someone who has been conned).

The balance of power weighs heavily on my mind, as it has since I got into the field of psychology. I owe a debt of gratitude to John F. Kennedy University for teaching me about countertransference and transference issues that one would face in the professional world. I also owe a debt of gratitude to all the teachers and therapists who helped guide me along the way. The victims of Jim Jones massacre began an eye-opening experience, to myself as a young girl out on a farm in Ohio, that have continued to remain in the back of my mind as I grow and have evolved into the person I am today.

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Simon Sinek Explains Millenial Paradox

This is an exceptional speaker that seems to provide a lot of good answers for young people today. I found this on Facebook and decided to share with my audience here because it really bears listening too. You can follow him online as well at https://startwithwhy.com/

Libs vs. Cons and Social Media

Our society has continued to go on a downward spiral as a result of Social Media. For all it is worth, it is mainly used to take advantage and destroy others. This is because anyone and everyone can make their opinions known and you can’t do anything about it. As a result of this groups of people are gaining more and more power and are using it to destroy rather than to help other people. Both the Liberals and Conservatives take this to mean that they can use Social Media as they wish. Whoever gets the most likes wins!

Sadly this has destroyed our country and no doubt has destroyed other countries as well. Instead of having intellectual discussions on the Internet, which it could certainly be used for one can be attacked for saying the nicest of things. Steve Martin, a comedian, known for making people laugh was destroyed by Social Media because he made a nice comment in regards to the memory of Carrie Fisher. When comedian Robin Williams died, his family was attacked because of their outrage over his choice of exit.

The Liberals are now on the attack, because a Republican is in the White House and this makes people feel threatened from all walks of life. If you don’t think like they think you are bad and should be shunned. Recently the Mexican-Americans decided to do a standoff, to show their outrage to President Trump in regard to his views about illegal immigration and the “Wall” on their border. Naturally they have a right to be scared and concerned about some of their fellow people. However they forced other Mexicans to close their restaurants whether they wanted to or not and this is gang mentality (I have also heard of this tactic used in communist countries). It is not an encouraging or empowering way to think. It certainly does not have anything to do with Freedom of Speech or living in a democracy and having the right to your opinion. Having been a patron to several local establishments, I learned that restaurants were being attacked on Facebook. The attackers went in search of establishments, taking photos of those who chose to remain open and then blacklisting them online and telling people not to eat at their restaurants. The people I spoke to said they felt afraid as did some of their compadres locally that they spoke to. They closed because they were forced to, not because they wanted to.

The fashion industry mavens now think they have a right to pull Trump clothing lines and avoid his daughter at a fashion show. Who listens to the fashion industry for political advice? When I look at Vogue or Harper’s Bazaar, I am looking at clothing and how to wear my scarf or part my hair. I am certainly not buying these magazines to challenge any philosophical views as they are about dressing women and men, that is all. The fashion industry has never really been about politics. They use the current events to determine fashion trends and how they will design clothing but not to tell people how to think outside of buttoning your coat. As my first degree is from FIDM, (aka The Fashion Institute of Design and Merchandising) I never once studied anything about politics during my term there in Los Angeles. I did study current events though and how this effected change in fashion over the years.

I also read both of Stanley Marcus’s memoirs, the son of the founder of Neiman-Marcus and went on to head this elegant family business before selling out to Carter-Hawley Hale in the 80’s. Mr. Marcus (A Jewish businessman), was a huge fan of Coco Chanel because he knew that her clothing lines were going to be legendary and he had an eye for quality and taste. Perhaps he was disturbed to hear that she was known to collaborate with the Nazis, during WWII. I am sure he was also disturbed to hear that she underbid a Jewish businessman trying to flee the country, who had to take what he got for his building and store. Yet Mr. Marcus did not get his political feelings in the way of selling products in his store. He knew this was not good business sense. Just like you have separation of church and country, you also have to separate personal feelings from running a business. Otherwise, open a non-profit that is based on making change in the country. Unfortunately, Nordstrom and Burlington have decided that they should share their political views with the world and have pulled the Ivanka Trump lines. This shows that they are not about business; they have decided to put their own political views as the headliner to their store. Who made this decision? Did all executives and employees agree with this? It is a corporation not a one man show. Will they next tell employees how they should vote in an election or they will be fired?

My stepfather lived in a communist country and it is the reason he left in 1956. You can read many historical novels that talk about life in these countries and how people are treated. I saw a documentary about China once where there were “grandmothers” assigned to report people who had a second pregnancy (in their one child only policy), they were then forced to have abortions. My cousin fled Hungary in 1987 (via Germany) because he was tired of dealing with the communist regime and fighting for his rights to have a home and other essentials. He told me that life in a communist country means you have to hide behind closed doors to talk to one another and be very, very, careful whom you talk with. In Russia, people go to Siberia for speaking out openly, or they disappear. 

This is what we are turning into.

What is rather strange to me, more than anything is all this talk of moving to Canada, the same bark that was heard when President George W. Bush won the election in 2001. Moving to Canada is hardly the easiest place to “move to.” I myself looked into this years ago because I thought about living there. I was fascinated with the idea of living in another country and chose Canada or England. Both were extremely difficult places to just get up and move to and friends talked me out of it for various reasons. Yet, this seems to be the liberal motto whenever a Republican wins as president. It is hard to take it seriously when I have heard this before and they are still here. However, young people are ignorant of the past and become scared when they hear people say they are fleeing the country.

It is also very strange to hear that President Trump is a “narcissist” as if this is unusual for a CEO or a President or anyone in power at whatever type of organization or government agency. Someone asked me on Twitter if I was afraid of this. I asked him if he was afraid of people with Asperger’s. I explained that the boy who killed children at an elementary school in Newtown, CT had Asperger’s. People who have clinical depression are known to be more apt to do a death by suicide but this does not mean we should lock everyone up with this diagnosis because they might harm themselves.

Actually, if President  Trump were a narcissist than I ask myself why are they pandering to his ego by behaving so violently and antagonistically? This only makes a narcissist feel that they are justified in their beliefs and creates more self-righteousness. Narcissists never do anything wrong, it is always someone elses fault, so why have liberals decided to be the scapegoat? If I were wanting to get the attention of a narcissist, I would placate them and allow them to respect me first so that I could sit down to the table with them and talk. Having received this respect, I would then talk to them in a diplomatic way about my ideas and help them to see it is their idea too. This would be the clever tactic to choose. But this also takes a level of maturity and dignity. I can see that this is the way most political dignitaries are choosing to behave on their visits to the White House. It appears they are succeeding to create a partnership with our country, based on whatever it is they are coming here for. Of course who really is the narcissist here; the president or the liberals out on the streets? He actually has the power to run the country. He is doing exactly what he said he was going to do. Like it or not, he is in charge. The people on the streets are being disrespectful Americans and are pushing the limits of what is legal and ethical. They are expecting people to think like them or you are wrong and this is the definition of a narcissist. Should we all just sign a waiver saying the liberals are right and I pledge to follow behind whatever they say or do? It is calling a spade a spade, or the phrase “It takes one to no one.”

Some conservatives have gone against their own political ally publically and this is very interesting too. I firmly believe this has a lot to do with the fact that President Trump won and this destroyed the political system. It means that it is possible for anyone in this country to be a government official and this creates a challenge for the “career politician.” This has never been President Trump’s career. So even though what President Trump is saying would have been favored by many Republicans in our history because he is speaking like a conservative, their egos have been bruised. It is no different than hiring a manager from outside of the company and then employees hate this person because he/she has no experience and because they didn’t get the job.

The media has fallen by the wayside for many decades now. They have chosen to compete with the National Enquirers and People magazine types and have sensationalized their stories that are being eaten up by the masses of liberals. They pander to the liberals which is causing this faction to believe they have more power and pushes them to be more and more aggressive. I find it extremely difficult to find out what is going on at the White House because instead of behaving like Walter Cronkite and reporting the facts on national television, they are stating their opinions which often seem to be aggressive hateful headlines. I have been following Ivanka Trump on Twitter and have been impressed with how she handles herself publically by not talking about the negative publicity from Nordstrom and Burlington, instead focusing on the positive. She is continuing to work toward being an advocate of women and children and is highlighting women business owners, attending meetings with Canada in regard to women in the workplace and raising children at the same time.

The way I was raised is that you should have respect for your country. Even when Presidents have won that I have not liked, I had respect for them anyway. I do not vote Republican or Democrat, I vote for whom I think is the right choice for right now.  Locally, I have had concerns about term limits for mayors in this state but my plan is to go forward and talk to people about this and will be doing so very soon at the state level. This is a more intelligent way to get people to listen. Will I change the state? I have no idea because I don’t know if anyone else cares about this. I am standing up for my beliefs in a tactful way and realizing if I don’t “win” than I must accept this and keep trying again when I have the opportunity. I would never distance myself from my friends because they think differently than I do – unless I find them to be rude and disrespectful to me. It would never be because they are one political side or another or one religion or another. I have had friends who have distanced themselves from me for my political views because they apparently only liked me because I was thinking along the same lines as them. It showed me that they were never my friend in the first place because they were judging me for my thoughts, not loving me for my kindness and concern for them.

The buzzword of the day is to be “Mindful” of… This does not support antagonism, violence, or disturbing the peace. It is about being mindful of your actions and the effect they have on self and others. Whatever your political opinion, you have a right to this thought process because we live in a free country. Freedom of Speech does not mean forcing someone to think like you do. Our ancestors created this amendment to separate us from other countries that did not allow people the right to an opinion. The reason that we have liberals and conservatives is so that we may have a balanced system in politics. As we have two different ways of thinking; this gives way to ideas that are sometimes challenging our own thought processes. Whatever a president chooses to sign or whichever change he wishes to invoke, this cannot happen by him alone. It is the reason we have the House of Representatives and The Senate. We live in a democracy not a dictatorship and no President can become a dictator unless this is approved by the House and Senate.

For those wishing to make change in the world, this is wonderful. But first learn how politics work and educate yourself on getting laws passed and speaking in front of Congress, etc… Then get out there and become a politician on the local level so that you can impact the government in some way. Or, start a non-profit or get involved in a position with a company that will enable your vision. Getting on Social Media and forcing others to be like you is not creating healthy change in this world. It is actually making our country a very dangerous place to live. Take responsibility for your actions instead of placing the blame on someone else.