Tag Archive | Stress

Analyze This!

This is a really great video from “The Psych Show” host Dr. Ali Mattu. All therapists dread this question but he does an exceptional job of explaining what is really going on. I agree with him completely. It also says a lot about co-dependent behavior. Wanting to know whether or not a person is okay with you, feeling threatened by a therapist because you don’t know how to act around them. It is also a way of saying “I have low self-esteem,” out loud or “I know I have a zit on my nose,” to attack before you are attacked. A defense mechanism designed to protect ones self, which is in essence saying “En garde.”

Usually when I am asked this question I will say, I am here to have a good time and I get paid to do these things. I might also say “What do you do for a living,” then I will ask them if when they go to people’s houses do they question people about these things that they do. For example, CPA – do you go to a house and question people about whether or not they expensed the boat they have out on the dock and then discuss the legality of this? Or a carpenter – do you go to a house and think about all the mistakes in the way it was built (actually they do – then they can drum up business). When therapists go to a party, we are dressed in our normal non-professional outfit, might have a drink in our hand or took a bite on a cheese puff and are wondering about the books on the shelf or the cute guy in the corner, just like you are.

Making America Great Again

I hope with all my heart to see this take place. Several years ago I saw and predicted the next president of the United States. I told this to people wherever I went that I really felt Trump was going to win. This was a gut feeling not my politics. After returning to Ohio in 2010, I began to be in shock at the devastation I saw in this great State. I was already getting a glimpse of this driving cross country from California and noticing that people had changed to a very drastic level while I was gone. In 2010, this was my third time to drive cross country; once in the early 90’s, then in 2003 and again in 2010. It was difficult to see this change on the West Coast because I didn’t grow up there and people in that state can convince you of anything.  They believe they are in paradise even though so many live a faux existence on loan by a lot of deep debt. Driving cross country in 2010 I was now seeing franchise after franchise taking advantage of our quality of life and stealing the local man’s hard work and dedication to his restaurant that he had been known for, for decades. I saw people who had given up on local people in favor of fast, quick, predictable junk food and having travelled out of the country, the same processed unlovingly made food around the world.

In Ohio I saw the small beautiful farm and factory towns I grew up around, turned into meth labs. I heard about the rising drug culture here and how the doctors and pharmacists were playing a small role in this. I saw how the inner city, once a small segregated population of Columbus on one side of town, was now on all sides of town. People who once did not need to depend on a house key were now installing alarm systems, buying large dogs, and they were talking about their guns as if they were a pet but really a crutch to make them believe they were safe. I saw tagging in small neighborhoods that once were nice decent places to live. I feared that soon we would see bars on the windows and doors, just as I saw in Oakland and Baltimore, MD.

I saw locally a political system that has no term limits which creates a lack of democracy and a dependence on pretense of small victories. The only thing people could tell me that their mayor had done for them was give them a park to walk in downtown – after 20 years. On a national scale I began to open my eyes to the destruction of Made in China, created by Clinton and saw documentary after documentary and began to piece together for myself how the working class person’s lives were in such great ruin in America. Yet the Chinese are upwardly mobile to the U.S. with all the fortunes the company executives were bestowing on their children thanks to our country giving away our own families economy. Locally I am seeing young guys begging for money on the streets, a sight I never once saw growing up in Columbus. These guys are fewer than 30 years of age, who no doubt are unable to pass drug tests, but most likely a product of parents who gave up after losing factory job after factory job.

 I saw how this Obamacare insurance policy not only ignored the recession but also how it created havoc for the average person. Entrepreneurs like myself, who have to pay for their own insurance policy and hoped to get a great system. The mockery of us as a people, ensuring that this was going to be a good thing for us and then learning it was worse than what we had before. Leading us on into a second presidency as the insurance policy did not take place until after that time and then learning what it really meant. Huge unrealistic deductibles and paying 100% until you met them. Medication, in my case, that went from $30 to $700 so that I had to fight hard to find alternative measures. Finally, when tax season rolled around, the entrepreneur is punished for making more money than expected. As a result healthcare.gov comes after you for the discount; thereby making your profit less. For a one person company this is a financial upset that follows you into the next year.

Of course listening to my clients from all levels in these big companies here in our city, I began to see a pattern. The employee is expendable. From the executive down to the phone rooms, I learn about businesses that at one time cared and nurtured their staff, rewarded them for their hard work and then one by one cut back and took away every reason they had to get up in the morning. With the greediness of big corporations, seeing the increase in profits because of outsourcing, they began doing whatever they could to make even more money. Lowering their work ethics, sending mixed messages to the employees, rewarding those who played games rather than stood strong and determined, all to get rid of the larger paid for weak minded cheap labor that is easy to find. Even their customers are no longer people they care about. Why should they when the customer will easily be replaced by someone else. Or, why care when the company holds a virtual monopoly on the product and know people don’t have a choice in the long run. I hear stories of wonderful hard working, dedicated; loyal people who after decades were let go or suddenly given made up reasons by HR to put them on written reprimands which used to be a reason to re-train and now are a used to antagonize and destroy.  The cliché “it is their word against ours.” In my generation 40+, after being let go after years of dedication have a difficult time finding new employment. My own generation weakened by computers that hire people instead of human beings. Amongst my friends, so many unemployed trying to create businesses, using retirement money, taking jobs they don’t want just to make it through the year.

All of these things lead to value systems in the family unit being destroyed. A rise in the use of substances, a continued decline in long term marriages, people creating children to self-soothe their own inner wounds and as a result more and more children raised by one parent. This is creating children raised to feel entitled because they are soothed by guilty parents who give in to their demands because they are too tired to deal with the child’s confusion and frustrations in life. The kids are often pacified by toys and the internet (which replaced the television) and not being taught the value of a dollar or the importance of hard work and education. As a result they don’t feel a need to work, when they get money on the streets, or can become an expendable employee going from job to job without any repercussions. In some cases I am seeing young boys depending on girlfriends as substitutes for mothers, now expecting these young girls to continue pandering to their entitled lifestyle. Young girls than continue the cycle by not using birth control, hoping a baby will change him or get him to love them. Hoping the baby will give them the love they never found at home growing up.

In a modern society for women, fashion has now become about selling the self to whoever will take it. Girls wear skirts only a few inches under private areas with nothing underneath and walk on stilts of 4-6” with their breasts hanging very closely to the exits of tank tops or very low cut pieces of fabric stitched together to form a covering. If not this, they are in jeans that have holes in them because fashion designers have just created the newest look in what to do with dungarees and flip flops. Clothing once worn by miners and farmers are now the most needed staple fabric in America. This is the best we can expect right now and no one seems to complain. We are seeing very low standards in dress that are accepted now in many companies or big corporations that once expected good work ethics and were known for their policies on dress. Now that they are expendable, the company really doesn’t care what they look like. They are going to get rid of them next week, month, or year anyway.

It makes sense that many people in this country wanted to see a better America. Having been raised by working class people who held me to higher standards and taught me good work ethics and the value of a dollar, and knowing and trusting that most of the people I grew up with, from my generation heard the same, I knew our country was desperate for change. I knew they were holding these thoughts in silence, afraid of being politically incorrect, having to hide with friends in dimly lit areas to talk about their fears their frustrations yet online pretending to go along with the flow. The faux sense of socialization and temporary fame garnered from ridiculous ploys online to take advantage of those exercising freedom of speech because it didn’t measure up to their own worldview. A message was sent yesterday. It was a terribly close divide of our country though and will take time to heal from. Major change always takes time to heal and grow. This is a time to break down the political system and re-look at what to do next. It is not going to simply happen overnight and an inexperienced average person (meaning non-political) will be taught quickly and make mistakes along the way. We have a lot more fights ahead of us, people who don’t want change, who don’t want to give up their power, who have enjoyed taking advantage of people, enjoyed being greedy at the expense of so many. It is a scary time right now because of all of this. I am scared because it is a huge change and I don’t know how people are going to react to this and I assume they will try to take it out on others. I am not scared of the person running the country now but of the enemies who will be focused on collapsing this new system and will use the Internet and our country and our world to vindicate their feelings and cause people to join in. The election, more than anything, should show us how disturbing the Internet can be to our sense of right and wrong. Of course I had already seen this in families that I serve because it is destroying them. While there are some good and useful ways of being helped by the Internet, it is getting less and less easier to find them and much more likely you will find the destroyers instead.

As with every presidency that have shocked our systems in the past, and we have lived through it to tell, we must be patient, trust, give it a chance and try to think about the possibilities that could come from this. It is a historical moment and would have been no matter who might have won. Instead of attacking and going on the defense, think about what we can learn. Let’s come together and be a positive part of this change by questioning (because you want to learn) and listening.  How will this change our lives? Where will be in four years? What plans can you make for your future? Take time to contemplate rather than react.

Growing Up With a Narcissist

Remember back when you were young. Did you often feel as if you were to blame for everything? Was one sibling revered over you (usually this might be the male child)? Did you try to assert your opinions only to see them turned aside with a phrase similar to “What do you know anyway?” Or at times you might hear “It’s always about you isn’t it?” Did you then and do you now feel as if you are desperately trying to get your parents approval for the decisions you make in life, yet never seem to do anything right? It is very possible that you grew up with a Narcissistic Parent.

My original blog article, The Child of the Narcissist was published in 2011 and today has more than 10,000 readers from around the world – and still counting. I published a part two about a month ago and then just recently put together a CD: The Child of the Narcissist – Guided Meditations for Healing. This CD is available on CreateSpace for only $10.99 a great deal for someone looking for something to utilize as an adjunct to therapy.

CD Cover

A Narcissistic Parent robs a young person of their childhood and then makes life difficult when they try to become a parent themselves. It is emotional abuse that you will suffer your entire life until you take your power back, as an adult. A child of a narcissist has a difficult time individuating from the parent and growing up into an adult. How can you when they are continuously keeping you down? If you also suffered physical and sexual trauma from this parent, it is even more difficult to go out into the world and try your best to be a successful person. The tragedy is that as a child of a narcissist, as long as they hold you emotionally hostage, you continue to seek their approval which you will never get.  How do I know all these things? I am not just a psychotherapist but a survivor as well. I took my power back and write about this now on my website jkvegh.com

The Meditations which I recently published on CD through CreateSpace (and soon to come on Amazon) came about as I began to search for a different way to approach clients in the healing process. I am a great believer in  meditation  and will share this with clients. Then one day I sat down and wrote a script for different meditations that might help a person who was a victim of parental narcissism. Having meditated myself for over 30 years, I used my knowledge of guided meditations from Jon Kabat-Zinn and Shakti Gawain and thought about what someone might need to hear as a child of a narcissist.

This is meant to be an adjunct to therapy because, as a professional, I know doing the CD alone will not be enough. You can’t just self-heal with a series of meditations.  Your voice has been blocked and you need to talk and be validated. Make sure you have a therapist whom you are beginning to do work with and have discussed your mother or father with. Of course this might also include other family members too. Whomever you were raised by and considered a parent.

After you listen and participate in the meditations, make sure you have pen/pencil and paper available to do stream of consciousness writing. This is so beneficial to the process as well. A lot will come up for you and you want to jot this down and then share it with your therapist.

Many things are written about Narcissism and there are even many wonderful movies which highlight this topic as well. These are great resources to utilize. However, the most powerful process in healing from Narcissism is transforming from child to adult in therapy. Now I am offering you this really great CD which has different tracks focusing first on the mind – holistic, than on the body – somatic, and finally, on the spirit – transpersonal.  Taking your power back from the perpetrator will allow you to have the life you have been holding yourself back from all these years. You deserve it!

The Emperor’s New Clothes

In our current hedonistic society so many people are walking around dressed or acting without a sense of moral obligation, rules, etiquette and so it reminds me of “The Emperor’s New Clothes” by Hans Christian Anderson written in 1837. emporerThe people who choose to continue dressing professionally or behaving with a sense of concern or awareness of others have also chosen to be the ones who walk by the Emperor and say nothing. Sure, we roll our eyes, we talk behind their backs, we stare, we shake our head but we don’t really do anything. So it continues.

At one point in our lives fashion was something of legendary artists. We had

linton tweedth36XHAAS9thKZWNVCK6th0AGX6UQQ

 

 

 

 

 

Now we have this:

thCF1COU93thZTABX0J6thSFNFI2APthDQIRQYOG

 

 

 

 

We are an oversexualized culture, and when you dress in this way, it makes a statement about your lack of self-respect. The way you dress is the way you act. If you don’t care how you look, you don’t care about your self or others in society. But what about our actions? Boys are raping drunk girls, who are passed out at parties. Would they have sex with dead girls too if their panties were down? Girls are out at night, at college campuses, dressed with skirts up to their bums and no panties on. They have heels so high, well, what would you be thinking I was talking about if I had not mentioned college campuses? This is what I think too. An era where women are supposed to be at the height of feminism and instead of embracing their rights they are taking advantage of this moment. They are saying “I can dress however I want.” Those of us who are older understand that you can’t. This is why we have rules in society. Ways of behaving.

We have boys and girls driving down the street in all neighborhoods, blaring their stereos from their cars so that you can hear them for 1/2 mile. This takes away the peacefulness of an area, it is threatening music, it is anti-social behavior because in many states it is against the law. It says to people that you don’t care about other people’s feelings and you only consider yourself.

We also have:

person on phonteens textingphone with parents

 

 

How can we expect to live in a society where no one is paying attention to the other? Where everyone is doing whatever they feel like? Parents aren’t raising their children, husbands are avoiding their wives – or vice versa, no one is listening. Why should we have to be told in a movie theater to turn off our phones? Why should a corporation have to tell its employees they need to turn off all devices during meetings? Why have we had to create babysitter laws to teach adults (and teens) how to behave or drive in public?

Hormones injected in foods and/or overly medicated people have caused an onslaught of obesity that has devastated our population. Perhaps though, they are just stuffing their faces so full to self-soothe in our hedonistic society. Restaurants have been serving sizes three times the amount we would normally eat at home. We can have whatever we want, do whatever we want, screw whomever we want. It’s “my” life, I can do what I want.

Meanwhile, some people are so far out of control they pick up a gun and shoot. Hedonistic, Narcissistic, Psychopathic thinking people – Hell, we used to be afraid of “gangsta” wannabe’s and now we are afraid of terrorist wannabe’s. When was the last time you even heard of a gang related shooting? Well, you probably have only heard this if you live in Oakland, LA, Boston, D.C., Detroit, or one of those other great big cities that are a hub for prostitution, drugs, gangs, guns and the like. Little towns, big towns, who knows where the next terrorist act is going to occur? This is America, we can do whatever we want, think as we wish, dress how we feel and who gives a Shit about anyone’s feelings. Right?

We all know this is happening right now. So why are we sitting back and watching The Emperor walking by naked and applauding him for his beautiful way of being? It is not politically correct to speak out without being called names. We hide behind social media and when someone does dare to say anything, they are blocked, unliked, blasted around the Internet with scathing opinions against them and lots of comments saying “Yes, down with the idiot who dared to say this is wrong.” What grade are we in?

Did you know that many young girls are CHOOSING to not use birth control right now? That the new way of creating domestic abuse is for a young boy to move in with a girl who is working so he doesn’t have to? Not only is there emotional abuse going on but also financial abuse. Then, when she is not using birth control, well, we all no what this scenario is creating.

WTF, our ancestors would be saying in our new slang social media language, if they could rise from their graves and look around them. WTF has happened to my grandchildren and my great grandchildren? This is not what I taught my children to pass down to theirs. This is not what I came to this country for, or what I worked my whole life to provide for them for. It is not why I built this house, started this farm/business, it is not the values I hoped they would pass down.

And yet, here we are. Most kids could care less about their elders, they are just a bunch of old fools anyway. Their parents didn’t teach them to respect these wise ones as they were too busy keeping them up with the Jones kids. If both parents were even involved.

Our society has gone to hell in a handbasket as the old saying goes. It is going nowhere fast. We are multiplying like a bunch of irresponsible rabbits. We need a miracle to get back on track. Who knows what that is going to look like, what it is going to take, how we will ever get back to where we once were. And immediately, someone will read the last line and say “It was never better before.” But it was. Perhaps we did make some mistakes but as I always try to mention to people, your parents may have beat the crap out of you but if you take away the abuse and think only of the values that were meant to be taught – this is the part you should have remembered if you were going to learn anything. Since time began we made mistakes in society but this doesn’t mean we stop teaching the values, stop having etiquette, stop having rules about decent living and respect for others. It means we look at how we could teach these things without beating our children. It means that we set laws which we enforce, not ignore. It means we take stock in our lives and think about our actions.

It means that no matter who you are, no matter your race, religion, social and economic status, you must take responsibility for your actions. You must take responsibility for the way you behave in society and how it effects other people around you. No excuses, no political stands to grab for a way out. You simply say, “I am responsible for…” the way my actions have effected others, or how I behaved, or what I said, or how my actions will impact the society that I live in. You simply take responsibility for your life and stop acting as if the world owes you something. You simply behave, dress, walk, talk, with self-respect. You take pride in who you are.

We should be an intelligent society right now making great strides in creating a universe we can be proud of. Instead we are an ignorant society that is ruining the world, taking advantage of others, making up our own rules as we see fit and dressing like a naked emperor because we can.

 

Worried about Winter? Don’t feel SAD Get Light!

Here are some selections for winter that you might want to take a look at and see if it might fit with your budget. I am not recommending any of these, just helping you to jump start your preparations for winter.

Winter is almost here so get preventative maintenance for those of you suffering from Seasonal Affective Disorder, aka SAD or Depression that is seasonal related.

https://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss_2?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=lamps+sad

These links below the products are all MADE IN THE USA.

http://therapylighting.com/sad-light-therapy

http://www.sunbox.com/

http://northernlighttechnologies.com/