Tag Archive | Wedding

Why do Pre-Marital Counseling?

Watching this video is the most compelling reason for adding a psychotherapist to your wedding budget. Women are still being raised with their mothers speeding them down the aisle with visions of white dresses and doves flying through the air. We play with Barbies before we have hit puberty, already merging the dolls with Ken or GI Joe. We are focused on boys in high school, which often causes young girls (and boys) to do poorly in their subjects. Marriage is an investment not a fashion show and if you don’t want to be one of the 40-50% who goes through a divorce, then you need to treat this contract as an investment not a day to play Cinderella. The woman and man who plan consciously and patiently on the big day have better chances for success then the one’s who are only focused on looking good. Wouldn’t you rather be the couple who people gush over rather than taking bets to see how long you’ll last? Your family and friends will respect you more when they see the respect you have for each other. I highly recommend a psychotherapist trained in the Gottman method as they are teaching you communication skills and this includes how to argue without tearing each other apart.

A wedding day is meant to be a beautiful time in your life. Not the day you rue in the years to come. It is not his fault nor is it her fault; when you are a couple, you both have a responsibility to your self, your marriage, your future children and to your family as a whole.


Before You Say I Do

By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail. Benjamin Franklin

Weddings cost an average of $26,720, according to costofawedding.com. The average cost of a divorce is $15,000-$30,000 according to a 2006 Forbes.com article. In my experience the latter figure will vary based on children, assets and EGO. The American Psychological Association reports that 40-50% of all marriages will end in divorce. Many couples wait until they are very married and very upset before they come into therapy. When there has been an affair, when there is about to be an affair, or when they are so over this person that it would take a fairy Godmother to make any difference in the relationship. With all this negativity why say I do in the first place?

On the heels of the Benjamin Franklin quote above, which I absolutely love because it sums up what I am about to say right here. Pre-Marital counseling is a must to add to that wedding budget as you will get a greater return on your investment. In fact, pre-marital counseling can be the most important money you will spend before you say I do.  Yes, it is possible that you will realize you made a mistake (but this is $15-$30,000 saved). It is also possible that you will save yourself a lot of heartache in the days after the “big day.” Here are some tips for making pre-marital counseling work.

  1. Schedule the onset of counseling at the same time you are sending your “Save the Date,” cards (six to eight months) prior to the big day. You need time to do the work and it may involve individual as well.
  2. Communicate with your therapist what your specific needs are. Even when the therapist has an agenda, make sure to let them know if they are missing something or a new issue has popped up (I always do a check-in before we begin the session). If you don’t tell the therapist, how are they supposed to know?
  3. Self-Awareness – Therapy doesn’t work if one person thinks it is the other persons fault. It takes two to tango and you have to be willing to be held accountable in counseling.
  4. Respect for the therapist and for yourself – paying for sessions on time, showing up on time, being committed to your partner and your future. Psychotherapy is a business first and a healing profession second. This is why you are coming: to get the advice, coaching, and support of a professional – not from a friend or family member.
  5. Homework is there for a reason.  To practice this new way of communicating. Don’t expect results if you are going home and behaving in the same manner.
  6. Be open to recommendations of the therapist – If there are addictions with one or both parties, couples counseling is not ready yet. If there is domestic violence a domestic violence agency should be consulted first for batterers work and counseling for the victim. If there is a history of abuse, there may be a need for individual work for that person before they are ready to begin couples. Your therapist will assess your situation and let you know what is necessary to begin.

Unmet needs from childhood are the majority of couple conflicts. Think about what you didn’t get from your parents growing up – love, nurturance, listening, guidance, a father/a mother, validation, whatever it was this is what you will look for in a partner. Unfortunately, since you aren’t really sure what this looks like, you often get exactly what you don’t want. This is because we are more comfortable with what we know and so this is what we attract. For example: someone to take care of (rather than being taking care of), or someone who just doesn’t give you the love you wish for and you are constantly struggling to attain this. Couples come in talking about small things but what is behind it is something so much larger. This has to do with expectations that have been mulling around in their head but no one has ever spoken of.

Effective communication is the key to a successful marriage. Each time I have attended one of those 50 years + type anniversary parties, they have all said the cliché phrase “communication,” when asked what made their marriage work. I have listened to couples tell me their grandparents or aunt/uncles have said the same. What this means is something that often takes people many years of mistakes to figure out. For older couples I can tell you it also means a lot of compromising along the way because they were married in a time when there was no acceptance of pre-marital counseling other than a few sessions with their spiritual leader.

When I work with couples, I am using the training I took at certified Gottman.com led seminars. These are the principles of Dr. John Gottman which are based on his years of research with couples. If you just “google search” his name you will find loads of articles, videos, interviews, photos and of course their website. His work was introduced to me long before I began my studies as a therapist and after becoming a therapist, his name came across my path once again and off I went to the advanced trainings.

In my personal background, I was 17 years old when I married and I was six months pregnant at the time. I was divorced a couple of years later because of abuse and addictions on their part. I later learned, while doing my thesis and again from Dr. John Gottman with his partner Dr. Neil Jacobson that I was in a marriage with a Pit Bull (When Men Batter Women: New Insights Into Ending Abusive Relationships, 1998). I have never remarried but I have been in several long-term relationships that did not last. It was a long time before it finally hit me in the head what I had been missing all along. Fortunately for you, who might be working with me, you won’t have to wait at all. The reason why I love doing work with couples is so that I may give them the advantages I never had. Experience, Education, Intuition, Insight, Holistic thought process and continuing education post-graduate school is what you will get when you come into my office.

A therapist cannot promise you miracles because it is up to you two and what you are willing to commit to working on. When my coupleS work as hard in session as they do out of session – on practicing these principles I am teaching them, I do see success. My belief is that a couple should not be married without some form of pre-marital counseling (see paragraph one).


Marriage – Impress them with a Long Lasting Relationship

Many of today’s women are led to believe that a wedding is a day to spend thousands of dollars trying to impress their friends. The men have been led to believe that it is about how much money they fork out on the engagement ring.

A wedding is simply a legal ceremony for which you are now in a contract to spend the rest of your life married to another person.  A wedding is also a religious and/or spiritual event depending on your beliefs, in which the couple unites themselves to this belief and to their God.  They pledge to practice these beliefs throughout their marriage, as well as teach and educate their offspring.

The most valuable impression you can make upon your friends is to have a marriage that is long-lasting, happy, prosperous and loving.  Because the failure rate is so high, almost half of all marriages fail, so many guests spend that expensive wedding day taking bets on how long you two will last, while they clink their glasses and don their faux smiles.  This is why it is more important to reconsider your wedding day, keeping it simple and within the rituals of your faith but spend time prior to the day preparing to invest the rest of your life with the person you love.  After all, wouldn’t you prefer to have a marriage that lasts rather than just one day of fun?

The less stress and financial strain on a couple in the first few years, the easier it will be to begin to build a strong union.  It takes time to get to know one another after the wedding day.  This is different from cohabitation as you are now committed and have agreed to make decisions together, thereby respecting each other and planning a future.  No different from a business.  In a business, you create a strategy for how it will look, you write-up a plan, you decide who will do what and this is generally a good start to success.  In a marriage, it is no different.  If you take the time to do this, stick with it, hold family meetings periodically, and work together as a team (family), you will have a long-lasting relationship.

Several months prior to the wedding day ceremony, it is also important to seek guidance through your faith, a counselor, or psychotherapist who specializes in marriage preparation.  As the divorce rate is so high and acceptable in many cultures, most couples come from split or single parent families.  You can’t ignore these attributes which have guided your perceptions of marriage, values toward men/women and children, commitment and responsibility.  The reasons why marriages fail are because people do not invest time in getting to know their partner but also getting support from experts on what to expect.  Many couples stick with “we are in love and it feels right.”  Unfortunately, once you begin to live with them in a marriage and go through hurdles together, you will find that feelings dissipate very quickly.  Sex isn’t so great either when your relationship is only based on “love.”

Of all the couples I have known who have lasted the longest, their wedding day was simple rather than extreme.  They took time to get to know each other before making the decision.  They planned what they wanted their future to look like.  After the fact, they made decisions as a family.  They communicated with each other whenever obstacles began to occur and respected each others input.  A focus was placed on balancing out the family demands, so no one was a workaholic and no one spent more time with the children (or pets) and/or personal hobbies as well as taking private time for themselves.   These couples are more impressive because over time, what sticks with everyone who knows them is their strength.  People turn to these couples in quest for their wisdom, philosophy on marriage, and because they are in awe of two people who can last in a world where most do not.  The day of their wedding is long forgotten except as an anniversary that they remember, no different from the day of their birth.